Women With ADHD ADD

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Anyone else overwhelmed with divorce details/getting organized ?

Guess I'm just looking for moral support here. Will be 49 yrs. old this month and am going through divorce. The separation was initiated by my soon-to-be ex husband over 3 yrs. ago, and he had me officially served this past December, (which made it hard to care about getting ready for Christmas.)
Divorce wasn't my choice at all, but he refused any counseling after 18 yrs. of marriage. Two of the biggest contributing factors were his midlife crisis, and him not being able to handle my ADD any more. -----Not surprisingly, I put things off till the very last second and things got screwed up & I missed my first filing deadline. He could've filed a default judgment against me, but fortunately chose not to.
It will be official in mid June, but I still have to fill out some financial paperwork, and an application for assistance from mortgage company, etc. ---A bit of cruel irony isn't it? (Really struggling with wading through all the paperwork for a divorce, which was due in large part to my ADD in the first place.
It's probably time to break down and hire a professional organizer, as I have in the past a couple of times. (Two different friends have offered to help me get organized, but the thought of the friends seeing the chaos is way too upsetting. Guess the expense would be worth it in the long run.)
Anyway, apologies for going on and on here... Am guessing there are plenty of women out there though who have dealt with these issues though, and am just wondering if you have any tips? P.S. Lest I paint too dark a picture here, countless wonderful things/situations have come out of this whole break up, along with phenomenal personal growth. Thanks for "listening".

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Hi, Patty:

I haven't been feeling well, and I was just going through the backlog of emails from this group. I wasn't planning on replying to any, but yours caught my attention. I just wanted to let you know that I can feel you frustration. My marriage is teetering on the brink of disaster because of my inability to get organized after a life changing illness. I'd like to share more but like I said I am not feeling very well; I don't know if it is a stomach flu thing or just stress. I will try to catch up with you sometime soon.

Jo Ellen
SPeaking as an ADHD woman myself, I can relate to divorce , and having to face that large elephant in the room ( ADHD ) and addmitting to myself that it was a huge factor ..



I went through the same thing 8 years ago , a marriage ending in divorce as a result of my adhd. Honestly my hat goes off to you in regards to your personal growth and the countless wonderful situations that have come your way.. Where you are today is a place that I have been so very much seeking to obtain.

Good Luck
Hi I can relate to your problem I too and divorced particaly because of my add and his desire to seek other options. I had a hard time getting and staying organized also and he was a prefectionist and a neat freak. we where together for 19 years and getting the divorce papers and other things together were hard for me to. It helps to get a folder or a three ring binder and put the important papers in it then you wont be as likely to misplace them. Try one task at a time and only for a short period at a time. If you try to do things for a long period you will get board and quit. I am glad you have found some presonal growth and it will get easier and you will be amazed that you can accomplish more and more on your own when you dont have someone critatizing you so much. keep pressing on. you will make it I did and didnt think I could do any thing with out my ex and guess what I can and will continue to. If I can do it so can you.
Dear Jo Ellen, JO and Roberta,
Thank you so much for your replies to my posting re: dealing with divorce & ADD, etc.
I very much appreciate you taking the time to do so. Like Jo Ellen I've got a wicked flu of some kind and wasn't planning to respond till later either, but ended up writing a very lengthy reply. I could cry now though, because somehow I accidentally navigated away from the site, (before hitting "Add Reply"), and can't find my posting anywhere! Damn---it was a good one too, if I do say so myself. Nothing I can do about it I guess, except maybe do another shorter one when I feel a lot better.
(P.S. Jo Ellen, so sorry to hear your marriage is on the brink of disaster. While it's too late for me, (as the divorce is well underway), I can recommend lots of things for you to try on your own to help save your marriage, and will do so asap. But I have some comments regarding your statement that the problems "are due to your inability to get organized after a life-changing illness."
First of all, I'm so sorry that you or a family member is going through or has gone through a life-changing illness. Must be very tough to deal with. But I remember going on a website similar to this, when my husband said he was leaving me and that it was all because of my ADD. I believed it completely. However, every one of the women with ADD that responded to my posting said the same thing. That there are two people in a marriage and that problems are almost Never the fault of one person. They were all "spot on" with their responses too. It took about 6 months of researching websites and other sources, but it all of a sudden I found a book on
amazon that was truly life-changing. It answered so many questions about my husband's behavior, and why he completely neglected me/us; but most importantly why he had so much anger all of a sudden. The book was, "The Irritable Male Syndrome" by Jed Diamond, Ph.D. (While the title might sound light it's making fun of something, it actually deals very seriously with men and their hormones and how andropause (male menopause), can wreak total havoc in a marriage and is the primary cause of a mid-life crisis. Almost everything in the book described my husband to a T. So many light bulbs were going off in my head, it was unbelievable. Such a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders! It was so amazing to realize that not everything was my fault! And as the other women who sent comments said, "You are so much more than just someone with ADD!" It's just one part of you and not to look at it as a disability, but as a gift. (Must admit that I often have a hard time thinking of it that way, especially lately, but when I can get to that frame of mind, it's wonderful.)
Also as you've no doubt heard countless times before, we have to spend our energy finding new solutions to our problems, instead of beating ourselves up endlessly for being only the screw-ups that our husbands (& ex-husbands) see. And to work with your ADD, and focus on your strengths instead of trying to fix all the weaknesses.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S. Before I go on anymore about this, I should first ask how old your husband is and how long you've been married?

Jo Ellen said:
Hi, Patty:

I haven't been feeling well, and I was just going through the backlog of emails from this group. I wasn't planning on replying to any, but yours caught my attention. I just wanted to let you know that I can feel you frustration. My marriage is teetering on the brink of disaster because of my inability to get organized after a life changing illness. I'd like to share more but like I said I am not feeling very well; I don't know if it is a stomach flu thing or just stress. I will try to catch up with you sometime soon.

Jo Ellen
Patty - We need to talk. Bottom line, if he knew you had ADHD and he is leaving - let him go, BUT be forewarned. If you DO NOT have a career, you may not be able to handle supporting yourself. Take it from me; I had an atty who did NOT understand ADHD and completely discarded it. I took a ridiculously low support/alimony monthly payment a few years ago. Needless to say, as before, I have been unable to maintain a high mgnt position because of getting overwhelmed or others around me not understanding how I view things. It has caused me to basically lose my entire 401k turned IRA. So please, please have the attys address this issue now - if you are married ADHD is NO DIFFERENT than any other illness, etc - you are in it for better or worse. If he cannot deal with it, you should still be able to be supported something "close" to what it was before as you, alone, may not be able to take care of yourself financially.

When I date, I have to be careful when I bring it up. Too soon & they may run, or worse: they may be like my ex-husband and discount it and make you feel 2" tall for getting overwhelmed. I'm in my late 40s and I tell you, it's tough out there.

Take care & if you have any other questions, please let me know.
This is my biggest fear....not being able to help myself and my children going through my divorce. I am getting the shaft on all aspects. I was married 18 years to a closet gay man (just found out), have 3 children ages 14 and 11 year old twins (One has ADD). I was mentally abused the entire marriage for either being ADHD and/or his own self loathing for being gay and not wanting to be in a marriage. He is also passive aggressive and able to "win" every aspect of arguement or discussion because of my inability to focus on details. He is a drug user which managed to skate by drug testing by shaving his entire body and stopping drugs before his test. I once had an awesome job which I loved and did well...sales in the construction industry...but he worked at the same company and "took over" my job when I became a stay-at-home mom 15 years ago. Now I have no skills, can't focus, have high levels of anxiety, forgetfull and all the other problems associated with ADHD. My mother is currently helping with financial extras while I'm going through divorce. How do I start over when I'm trying to deal with a closet gay ex, children with anxiety disorder and ADD, and deal with myself? I sometimes feel I'm going to spin out of control or lose my mind! I'm seeing my doctor on Monday for a possible medication change....what once worked before, Ritalin, isn't working now. And I should also mention that my husband has systematically drained all our assets, taken my name off of every thing we owned, ran up large amounts of debt, and somehow still manages to come out smelling like roses. How is this possible?

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