For Women with ADHD ADD Who Want to Connect
Are you kidding me?
This is what I keep thinking to myself. Every time I read something else about ADD.... are you serious? That has is because of ADD? And, now I am at the point I never thought I would be of.... why didn't anyone catch this? I felt like I would never get there because I KNEW why no one ever caught it. I had great grades in school, I was in gifted etc, etc. I was reading today about being in social situations. How you just sit there with the conversation going on around you. Well, all of my life I have been told that I am shy. I even believe I am because well, that is all anyone has ever said about me. But, as I sat a lunch the other day with my husband and his parents all three of them having a conversation and me just sitting there I realize, OMG, it is the ADD... It isn't that I am scared to talk, it is that i can't think of anything to say. My mind is trying so hard to figure out something to say, but once I do they have gone on to another topic and it starts all over again. See, I didn't know that was ADD!!! Or saying really off the wall stuff and having people look at me like I am nuts, that doesn't really make me want to talk much the next time.... and that is ADD! I did have some doubts as to whether or not I had it, but I started reading "You mean I'm not crazy lazy or stupid" and I just keep reading my life story over and over agian.
Worst of all (which I also read is common with ADD) is that due to my failures caused strictly by ADD I have become scared to do things worrying that I will mess up again. I think that is why I don't talk to people. It isn't even that I am off in space, it is just that I can't think of anything to say or am scared people won't understand what I am trying to say. As an adult I thought this was social anxiety and have taken meds for it before, but now I realize it is the ADD.
Many years ago when I started my first "real" job, I almost had a nervous breakdown my doctor at the time put me on Paxil which is the worst drug even made, lol. But, I realize exactly what it was now.... it was not being able to cope with the stress because of the ADD. I would be working on something my supervisor told me to do and would be constantly interrupted just due to the nature of the job. I couldn't understand why I was getting so upset. I started thinking it was because I thought I was better than everybody else and shouldn't have to do as much work as them.... but that didn't make sense either. Now I realize that the interuption caused me to completely lose focus and when I would try to get started again it would be SO hard.... and 5 minutes later... another interruption.
The more I read the more I see myself and I just can't believe that I have made it this far dealing with this. In a way it makes me feel like superwoman but it also makes me feel so sad. I looked at an old journal entry today and I had written.... "I feel like a complete failue. I paid off my car today and I feel like crap." After working so hard to pay my car off early I felt a huge let down because the challenge was finally over.... ADD has been like a huge joke my whole life with a really confusing punchline.... NOW I get it. (and it isn't funny)
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Susan on -
All I can say is I totally understand - absolutely totally. Like you, even when I realized I had ADD, I didn't totally know what that meant. There were lots of little clues from throughout my life that I saw mostly, but didn't have a clue or even realize about - like the conversations around you, etc. The medication helped/helps give me clarity and lifts the fog and makes some of those things better. You are just going through part of the grieving process and the life flashbacks and the "what ifs". It is a normal part of learning to deal with it. You will feel angry at times too. I know - I did, still do sometimes.
Stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining (with God), Depression, Acceptance. You can go back and forth through the stages. It is a process which hopefully gets to acceptance. Try to set that as your goal realizing it will take some time to get there. I recommend going to a therapist to have someone hear you that understands. Make sure they know something about ADHD though.
If you keep a journal - great. It is a good way to capture your thoughts and feelings. It is really kind of wild to realize there are other people just like you. Women often have different symptoms - the quiet and shy stuff. Me, people think I am shy too.
The social anxiety part. . . I diagnosed myself with that too. It is hard for me to start things I don't like to do and it is hard when I get interrupted doing something as it takes me a lot of time to just "get back into the task" and focus and get there, whereas someone else can sit down and just "start on it". It doesn't seem fair.
Try to think the positive thoughts - the superwoman part, as really that is true, you are. We are kind of wired to go negative though, so you have to try to fight those ANTS (automatic negative thoughts). It does make me mad that I've had to work so hard at things so simple for other people. It is easier to give advice than to always follow it. That is why it is good we can encourage each other here .
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Permalink Reply by Finally! on -
I had a real job too; and I sabotaged or so I was told. I almost had a nervous breakdown too. I was on more than Paxil. But not for long, the doc. took stuff away and tried other stuff and then, I went w/out meds for awhile and then I found THE psychiatrist.
I struggle now b/c I don't know what I want to do next....and I'm "too old" to be acting like this.
As I get clarity and confidence, suddenly I'm sliding backwards again....this su**s!
After successes, I feel tremendous letdowns.....
I too made super grades, especially in grad school working full-time and having a child, then it all "fell apart"....
Am I a "downer tonight"? I'm not trying to be; I'm going through "stuff" and I should probably resist posting when I feel like this....
I'm glad I'm not alone in this, that I know.
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Permalink Reply by Tinker Bell on -
"ADD has been like a huge joke my whole life with a really confusing punchline.... NOW I get it. (and it isn't funny)" Talk about hitting the nail on the head! I so completely understand, especially the social anxiety part! I, too, have a hard time keeping up with the conversation when I'm in a group of people; as soon as I think of something to say, they've already moved on to another topic. And I too wonder why no one was able to see that there was more to the story, that I wasn't deliberately being difficult when I didn't do my homework or if i interrupted or engaging in some other "bad behavior". But i have to remember that in the '70s & early '80s, no one in my small town had even heard of ADHD, let alone know how to deal with it. Those "what ifs" are a real b*tch, aren't they? I try not to think about the past too much. It doesn't do me any good.
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Permalink Reply by jen on -
I didn't think I would go though the depressed part, but I am now. I am just like, okay so now I have this diagnosis. The medicine is going to have to be adjusted I can already tell... but I am trying to give this one a fair shot and wonderful AF decided to show this week so the hormone thing may be making it not work so well. Anyway, I now feel like, okay so this has caused so manyof the problems, but so what, I still can't get started on anything, just making myself feel worse and worse. I have been looking for someone else to go to because like I said I think the doctor I am seeing doesn't really believe me 100% and she doesn't know much about ADD. My husband is also kind of looking at this like some kind of cop out. I was telling him stuff last night and he was like barely listening. I also now KNOW my 5 year old has it, and I think possibly my oldest daughter too. Actually I think my husband might too, lol. I am seeing everyone as being ADD right now!!!
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Permalink Reply by autumn on -
I can relate to you regarding your husband although my husband is very supportive I sometimes wonder what he really thinks. Since I met him I have been to many docs and on many meds and thinking and wondering what might be wrong. I finally said to him this past year maybe I'm bipolar, I was placed on meds for that, they didn't work. Then I started to think I had Asperger's because alot of the symptoms are alike, especially the avoiding other people and lack of friends. Finally I was on twitter and came across this site and started reading and a light bulb went off. So I told me husband I think it's adult ADD really. I was wondering what he was thinking, oh here she goes again. My son is very hyper and he always says he is just a boy that's how boys are but I know for sure he has ADD. He does really well in school and is above average in everything so because of this my husband dosen't think he has ADD. I decided by myself I will just keep my eye on him and if his grades start slipping then I will make him an appointment. When I was young I did very well in school it wasn't until puberty that I got worse and everything came crashing down. I remember I used to be a big day dreamer in class to block out the noise or because I was bored to death but still got by with good grades. As I got older I couldn't day dream anymore instead all the noise was unbearable and I didn't matter how much effort I put into it I just couldn't keep up in school. I think now that I am on meds my husband will see a different side of me and he will see how really bad I was all these years. My husband was gifted in school and was in gifted classes so I think this has helped my son so far he has that part of my husband to compensate.
jen said:I didn't think I would go though the depressed part, but I am now. I am just like, okay so now I have this diagnosis. The medicine is going to have to be adjusted I can already tell... but I am trying to give this one a fair shot and wonderful AF decided to show this week so the hormone thing may be making it not work so well. Anyway, I now feel like, okay so this has caused so manyof the problems, but so what, I still can't get started on anything, just making myself feel worse and worse. I have been looking for someone else to go to because like I said I think the doctor I am seeing doesn't really believe me 100% and she doesn't know much about ADD. My husband is also kind of looking at this like some kind of cop out. I was telling him stuff last night and he was like barely listening. I also now KNOW my 5 year old has it, and I think possibly my oldest daughter too. Actually I think my husband might too, lol. I am seeing everyone as being ADD right now!!!
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Permalink Reply by Patty Deatsch on
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Jen, I enjoyed reading your post. It is all most exactly my story. I was diagnosed when my son was in 7th grade which was 13 years ago. It was somewhat of a relief for me because my whole life i was different and was always put down, didn't get good grades, was shy and couldn't meet people because i never knew what to say. I always thought people wouldn't like me because i would say the wrong thing. I can relate to your job too. I was so angry when i would get interupted because then i would get confused when i went back to what i was doing. My mind would also race a mile a minute and i would be thinking of everything else but what i was doing. I would never try anything new because before i would try something i already told myself i couldn't do it.
Thank God i have a good husband because he goes to the grocery store (i get panic attacks and can't think of what to buy) and he does all the cooking because if a recipe has more then 3 ingredients i can't comprehend it so i don't even try.
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Permalink Reply by jen on
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Ha ha, I am the MASTER of botched recipes!
Patty Deatsch said:Jen, I enjoyed reading your post. It is all most exactly my story. I was diagnosed when my son was in 7th grade which was 13 years ago. It was somewhat of a relief for me because my whole life i was different and was always put down, didn't get good grades, was shy and couldn't meet people because i never knew what to say. I always thought people wouldn't like me because i would say the wrong thing. I can relate to your job too. I was so angry when i would get interupted because then i would get confused when i went back to what i was doing. My mind would also race a mile a minute and i would be thinking of everything else but what i was doing. I would never try anything new because before i would try something i already told myself i couldn't do it.
Thank God i have a good husband because he goes to the grocery store (i get panic attacks and can't think of what to buy) and he does all the cooking because if a recipe has more then 3 ingredients i can't comprehend it so i don't even try.
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Permalink Reply by Amy P on -
Jen,
My experience with my ADHD is very similar to yours. I read the book Drive to Distraction one day 5 years ago...I spent the entire time crying saying this is my whole life...everything I had gone through. I was not a hyper type like my brother.
I have the Lazy, Crazy Book now and I am totally relating to that one too
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Permalink Reply by Katie Mac Neill on -
I cant reply after reading all of these just yet because I'm in tears- but thank you all for joining- i see light at the end of the tunnel!!
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Permalink Reply by Ellen Papuga on
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Holy Cow! I felt like I was reading somehting I had written! I was just officially diagnosed last week and started on Concerta the next day. Still trying to get used to it and give it a chance. Anyway I am 46 years old and have a 6 year old son who probably has it too. That is how I figured out that I had it. When I would read about it I would think Yeah, that's me, too. There are so many times when I see him do something or act a certain way and I'm reminded of myself as a child. I thought it was cute at first but now I just don't want him to have to go through the same difficulties I'v had to deal with all these years. Anyway, the reason I wanted to respond to your post is what you were saying about the conversation stuff. I so get that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I remember sitting there so many times just bewildered, just trying to come up with something sensible to say and wondering how the heck these other people can do it so easily! The only word that comes close to the feeling for me is paralyzed. Wanting so badly to join in but I just couldn't(can't). Well, at least you found out when you're young. I have been walking around for 46 years feeling like I was dumb, lazy, stupid, disorganized, an airhead, incapable and knowing that I really wasn't any of these things but just not knowing what in the world was wrong with me! Good luck to you!
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