Okay. Going to keep this short because (a) I'm seriously cheesed off right now and (b) if I can't be succinct I'll be working on it until I'm dead.
30. Female (obviously). Chronically disorganized to the point that it is causing me to be depresseed an anxious. Background in psych. Know without a doubt that ADD would answer for all of the mystery issues in my life. And...my psychologist wants to put me on antidepressants.
MMPI states that I have extremely MILD depression and anxiety, extremely HIGH social anxiety and that I was answering questions very honestly, neither exacerbating nor diminishing.
IQ shows 140 verbal with what therapist states is the highest point spread between verbal and performance IQ he's ever seen in his decades of practice.
Looks like I have to either (a) go without help, as he's the only mental health option in my area or (b) go on an antidepressant ride and risk my good mental health until he'll approve my GP letting me try something for ADHD. Oh, and I was on stimulant medication for weight loss over the course of two years - symptom effing free.
Now, I look like the next episode of Hoarders waiting to happen.
I just want to tell him I'm depressed now. I wasn't before. Maybe if someone would listen to me instead of just throwing antidepressants at the problem. Whatever. Just want to give up.
I was depressed my whole life - took many different kinds of medication - None of them worked. I had at least 6 therapists who diagnosed me with anxiety and depression- Then, 4 years ago at age 63 -my boss diagnosed me. I started taking meds for ADHD - no longer need antidepressants. Not being diagnosed correctly ruined my life. I'm a nurse and have lost over 15 jobs and quit several others. My finances were always a mess - I recently left a part-time job - due to physical reasons - now I'm living on Social Security - no pension or any other income.
No, I realize that I psychologist cannot prescribe. I actually have my undergraduate degree in Psychology which makes it even harder - he's thinking I'm self diagnosing and I know exactly what he's doing when he's analyzing me and trying to seem all sly about it. He has this habit of minimizing my distress and trying to handle me with kid gloves - "oh, most people don't feel like an adult until they're about 32..." random other "it's not so bad" phrases.
It's difficult, having a Psych background because any Intro to Clinical class they overload you with the "don't self diagnose" speech. So then when you go into practice you're immediately thinking that a person with a Psych background is either (a) self diagnosing - and of course they are! But he essentially made the comment that he feels that way too many people are diagnosed ADD who aren't, he's made I don't know how many comments about being biased against stimulant medications due to their addiction potential, and he pretty much says he's going to recommend to my GP (they work in the same office - you can see your shrink and get a script from a consulting physician in the same office) an antidepressant.
I get frustrated because I was on a stimulant medication for weight loss prior to this for three years and, while it was formulated for weight loss and not ADD, I did notice a significant reduction of symptoms, and it's actually the reason I began to research ADD in earnest. I have a good record with the physicians, no concern of med seeking or anything like that, and beyond that if there were any concern I'd be happy to come in for a drug test and a pill count any old day of the week. But it seems like when you're educated on the subject and know what you want to try, it's all but impossible to get a doctor to be a co-participant in diagnosis and treatment. It's almost as if they have to say "I'm the professional, I know what's best for you better than you do." I know I'm not a doctor and I don't have my graduate degree in Psychology, but it would be nice to be able to go somewhere where I can say "this is my background, this is how I feel, I'd like to try this, can we work together?" I have no problem taking an antidepressant with it, but by his own admission the depression and anxiety scales were so low that he made the comment at one point that he didn't think I even needed anything for it. To add insult to injury, his suggestion for my "chronic disorganization," which "is not a clinical problem," is to "make a list." Make a list. Do a few things at a time. I can hardly finish a list and if I do I've lost it within 15 minutes.
Ugh. Ramble. Anyway, I did make an appointment with my GP on Wednesday and I do feel more comfortable with her. Not being trained specifically as a therapist, where lots of things are going on behind every question, I feel like she'll be more able to let me tell her why this is my hypothesis and work with me to develop a plan. I really want to continue working with him because I think he's a good guy, but I need him to acknowledge that it's not a simple existential crisis. Does that make sense? I don't need him to pat me on the back and say "oh, it's just part of who you are, but it isn't so bad." I need him to acknowledge the fact that it causes me to be anxious, which causes me to be depressed. As far as the social anxiety, right on, yes, I'm with him on that and that's why I'd like to continue with cognitive behavioral therapy if he's willing to see me as a participant and not a "patient." I really need to just write him a letter detailing how I feel. I think I may do so and leave it for him after my appointment with the GP. I can write it all down but I just can't put it into words there in front of him.
I actually really liked that he did the MMPI and the WAIS as I've never had my IQ tested but was curious just how high the spread between verbal and performance IQ would be. Not only is it cool to know my actual IQ on a properly administered clinical test, but it's nice to know that it's not just me telling myself I can't do math or put blocks in order - it's really a real thing. But yes, I'm with you and I know that there is no test for ADD, only correlations that we seem to see. I feel like all we've done since my first appointment has been these things and he has no understanding of how this has negatively impacted my life (jobs, school and now parenting to twin girls) throughout the entirety of my memory. The more I ramble the more I think I need to just write him a full on "this is how I want us to work together" letter and if he's not down then I need to stick with the GP and say goodbye to him. It's upsetting, but in our area our insurance only covered him - the cost of going to the only other provider here is far too prohibitive for us. As luck would have it, our insurance changed as of the first and he is not acreddited with our new insurance. The other provider, of course, just never took either of our insurance plans.
I just want to be able to speak to him on a professional level - I have no plans to practice, and as a matter of fact should have been an English major - I was able to shine in that department on the weight loss medication and I attribute my graduating at all to the relief of symptoms it provided. I spent eight years and over 100,000 in loans "finding myself" in school with no direction. It's so incredibly frustrating. When you know how to read peer reviewed journals, you're able to read the DSM like a child's storybook, you can recite study after study like the back of your hand, plus you know yourself better than anyone, but this person is sitting there saying "oh, you're depressed, you don't know what you're saying." Gah! I just want to tear my hair out.
See? This is what happens when I'm not succinct. =) You either get not enough info or way, way too much with me. *sigh* I'm just so exhausted. I said to my husband it would be so nice to be able to just live in the present. I really love the idea of Buddhism (although I identify as agnostic) and I love the idea of living for the moment, only giving as much attention to the future as is necessary to be pragmatic, and enough attention to the past as is necessary to learn from it. I just need help being able to do it. Fingers crossed that the GP gets it. She gave me the weight loss medication without hesitation, and I've seen her for three years, give or take, so I'm hoping we're on good enough terms that I can speak frankly with her. Then I just have to hope that this therapist is willing to allow me to direct that portion of my treatment with my GP and he can focus solely on cognitive behavioral therapy. I just wish he had a more person centered approach. He seems so fatherish. Like he just wants to diminish my diestress and encourage me. As if that's all I need.
Stop typing! Ugh, I could go on rambling and repeating myself forever. I'm sorry. No one is going to want to even speak to me here again. =/