Can anyone recommend any good books on relationships and ADHD?

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Permalink Reply by kristina on December 20, 2009 at 10:14am

an article you might find interesting can be found at this website.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/attention-deficit-disorder-link...

I know when I got diagnosed and put on Ritalin my self medicating with food stopped and I have lost quite a bit of weight.

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Permalink Reply by Rebekah on December 20, 2009 at 11:29am

Thank you Kristina! That explains why I eat so much to quell restlessness and anxiety that I feel and makes total sense when I look back at my life, no wonder I am overweight. I have lost about 15 lbs since I started on medications but I havent tried to lose anything really I just am eating less because Im not anxious and restless all the time on the medication and thats when I used to eat the most....so its good to have some background info on that. Thanks again!!

kristina said:

an article you might find interesting can be found at this website.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/attention-deficit-disorder-link...

I know when I got diagnosed and put on Ritalin my self medicating with food stopped and I have lost quite a bit of weight.

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Permalink Reply by Jen on December 20, 2009 at 3:19pm

Hi Rebekah,
Is your husband interested or willing to learn more about ADHD? It sounds like some of his expectations might be a little unrealistic for someone who DOESN'T have ADHD. Perhaps if he learned a little more about how your brain works, maybe the two of you could come up with a more realistic system for your household. I just read "Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?" by Gina Pera, and I highly recommend it. It focuses on dealing with a loved one with ADHD, but there are also many helpful parts for a person with ADHD, too. It would be a great reference for you and your husband.

I completely know how you feel about trying to follow through on tasks around the house. Meal time is disastrous for me, and I get so frustrated because other people in my life just don't seem to have the same problems that I do - which makes me feel completely incompetent. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to manage your own ADHD plus your kids'. First, try to be more understanding with yourself.

I don't know about my kids yet (2yrs & 8mths), but my husband is ADHD, and inspite of the many challenges that it brings, I think we are more understanding with each other in some ways. The part that I struggle with is that he has no interest in learning about ADHD. He wants to pop a pill and that be the end of it, and he has no patience with trying different medications. I look at it from the standpoint that by learning and gaining a better understanding of the condition, we'll be able to come up with solutions to make our lives easier. He sees it completely differently. He calls "learning" about ADHD "focusing on the problem" and refuses to read ANYTHING that I suggest. So, he continues to do the same things over and over again BUT then he gets extremely frustrated with me about certain things and throws it in my face that I am "SO ADD." It would really be to your and your husband's benefit to learn about ADHD, particularly how it manifests in women and adults.

I have learned that there are many lifestyle factors that make ADHD more managable. A large part for me was learning to put limits on what I can and can't do. This is particularly important at busy times like the holidays. Clearing clutter is another biggie for me. I have become such a minimalist, but the less I have the less I have to clean or keep up with.

As far as completing tasks around the house, I have to set my cell phone for everything. If I do this consistently, I actually complete more things. Here's an example: If I need to clean up the kitchen, and it's not too terrible, I'll set my cell phone for 20 minutes. That creates a sense of urgency and makes me only do the tasks that are most critical to making the kitchen appear clean as opposed to organizing one junk drawer. For example: wash dishes, load dishwasher, wipe counters. You can adjust the time depending on your schedule. Then move on. Sometimes I only have an hour to clean, so I'll set my phone in 15 min. increments and focus for each segment on a different room. It may not be perfect, but the more I do this, I
find myself getting more efficient. It becomes like a game.

More than anything, be patient with yourself and learn to recognize small improvements. You said you were just diagnosed in March - that's not a very long time. I was diagnosed almost 5 years ago at age 29, and honestly, I spent the first year somewhat shell shocked. It's a lot to take in as an adult. It makes you wonder why in the HELL no one figured this out when you were a kid - or at least that's how I felt. It sounds like you're committed to trying to make things better - which is an excellent step!! And, you said your meds seem to be working - that's HUGE by itself. :-)

Hopefully, once your husband understands ADHD better, he will be more patient with you and the kids. The last thing you need is for him to point out things about you that you are already frustrated about. Often it seems that people WITHOUT ADHD don't understand how much we beat ourselves up over our shortcomings. We need them to be PATIENT - not continue to remind us how disorganized and flighty we are. WE REALIZE IT!! And we don't like it either.

Good luck to you. Forgive the long post - I can be so long winded once I get started. Keep us posted on how things are going.

Jen

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Permalink Reply by Sarah Irvine on December 20, 2009 at 4:36pm

hi there everyone: You both almost read my mind i think i am going to relent and order that book that jen just mentioned!! i got mom's with ADD and it is my GOAL to read it by the end of january!!!! i read the first part and it was so totally me!!! :) but with the holidays i didn't want to get hyper focused on something quiet yet!!! I think jen said everything i would have said!! Let's both be patient with ourselves and love yourselves for what we have done not what we haven't done!!!

hugs :)

Sarah learning at this thing too :)

Jen said:

Hi Rebekah,
Is your husband interested or willing to learn more about ADHD? It sounds like some of his expectations might be a little unrealistic for someone who DOESN'T have ADHD. Perhaps if he learned a little more about how your brain works, maybe the two of you could come up with a more realistic system for your household. I just read "Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?" by Gina Pera, and I highly recommend it. It focuses on dealing with a loved one with ADHD, but there are also many helpful parts for a person with ADHD, too. It would be a great reference for you and your husband.

I completely know how you feel about trying to follow through on tasks around the house. Meal time is disastrous for me, and I get so frustrated because other people in my life just don't seem to have the same problems that I do - which makes me feel completely incompetent. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to manage your own ADHD plus your kids'. First, try to be more understanding with yourself.

I don't know about my kids yet (2yrs & 8mths), but my husband is ADHD, and inspite of the many challenges that it brings, I think we are more understanding with each other in some ways. The part that I struggle with is that he has no interest in learning about ADHD. He wants to pop a pill and that be the end of it, and he has no patience with trying different medications. I look at it from the standpoint that by learning and gaining a better understanding of the condition, we'll be able to come up with solutions to make our lives easier. He sees it completely differently. He calls "learning" about ADHD "focusing on the problem" and refuses to read ANYTHING that I suggest. So, he continues to do the same things over and over again BUT then he gets extremely frustrated with me about certain things and throws it in my face that I am "SO ADD." It would really be to your and your husband's benefit to learn about ADHD, particularly how it manifests in women and adults.

I have learned that there are many lifestyle factors that make ADHD more managable. A large part for me was learning to put limits on what I can and can't do. This is particularly important at busy times like the holidays. Clearing clutter is another biggie for me. I have become such a minimalist, but the less I have the less I have to clean or keep up with.

As far as completing tasks around the house, I have to set my cell phone for everything. If I do this consistently, I actually complete more things. Here's an example: If I need to clean up the kitchen, and it's not too terrible, I'll set my cell phone for 20 minutes. That creates a sense of urgency and makes me only do the tasks that are most critical to making the kitchen appear clean as opposed to organizing one junk drawer. For example: wash dishes, load dishwasher, wipe counters. You can adjust the time depending on your schedule. Then move on. Sometimes I only have an hour to clean, so I'll set my phone in 15 min. increments and focus for each segment on a different room. It may not be perfect, but the more I do this, I
find myself getting more efficient. It becomes like a game.

More than anything, be patient with yourself and learn to recognize small improvements. You said you were just diagnosed in March - that's not a very long time. I was diagnosed almost 5 years ago at age 29, and honestly, I spent the first year somewhat shell shocked. It's a lot to take in as an adult. It makes you wonder why in the HELL no one figured this out when you were a kid - or at least that's how I felt. It sounds like you're committed to trying to make things better - which is an excellent step!! And, you said your meds seem to be working - that's HUGE by itself. :-)

Hopefully, once your husband understands ADHD better, he will be more patient with you and the kids. The last thing you need is for him to point out things about you that you are already frustrated about. Often it seems that people WITHOUT ADHD don't understand how much we beat ourselves up over our shortcomings. We need them to be PATIENT - not continue to remind us how disorganized and flighty we are. WE REALIZE IT!! And we don't like it either.

Good luck to you. Forgive the long post - I can be so long winded once I get started. Keep us posted on how things are going.

Jen

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Permalink Reply by Tara McGillicuddy on December 20, 2009 at 4:47pm

Have you looked into working with an ADHD Coach? A coach can help you with organization and support you in communicating with your husband. Sometime little changes in the way a person with ADHD communicates can make huge difference.

If he's willing to learn about ADHD - a couple of online resources for him might are http://www.adhdmarriage.com and http://www.addaudiolibrary.com

There's are also some books about Women with ADHD that might be good for him to read too.

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Permalink Reply by Jen Katsoulis on March 4, 2010 at 10:39pm

Wow...this is the first time I've actually read anything on this web site joined a while back but never actually used the site...(typical ADDer). But I can relate 100% to almost every issue you just mentioned, and I've never actually tried explaining it as you just did. Makes me believe it's real and there really is a reason I feel like I have and someone else actually "gets it".

Thank you, somehow I feel a little better. Oh, and if you happen to get any coping strategies that help.....please let me in on them as well...

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Permalink Reply by jen on March 5, 2010 at 8:38am

Capital "J" Jen- You have a good point about not wanting to be constantly reminded. That almost makes it worse for me. I wish there was another way that didn't upset me so much that I could have my husband use instead.

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Permalink Reply by Jill Green on March 5, 2010 at 5:56pm

Rebekah, I like this book,
The ADD & ADHD Answer Book, it's wonderful
It helped me communicate better with my kids and I think ultimately helped me in stop panic attacks too.

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Permalink Reply by Marie on March 12, 2010 at 1:21am

Anyone ever notice that at home it can be so hard to be routine..where to start,,,getting distracted...ultimately spinning your/our wheels..but I go somewhere else..and I can just 'dig in' and get things done..

Maybe if daily household stuff is the problem..have a friend come 'organize' a timeline...and a routine...we do well with 'boundaries' and 'rules' and 'regiments'...we/..me, anyways..just aren't very good at setting them in place.

So..if someone comes in and gives you a proverbial 'bullet' list..1. Make Bed..2..Take meat out of freezer..3..Take basket and 'pick up the living area'....u get the drill....

For me, the best tool for conquering the daily tasks(I use the word conquer,,loosely) lol...is repitition...Do 1., 2., 3., daily..over and over...and then you can build on it..I dont know..it's like reprogramming the brain. It works. It's not miraculous. yet lol..but it HELPS..a lot! Just my .02:)

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Permalink Reply by jen on March 12, 2010 at 3:56pm

I am the same way at home. Except I can plan plan plan... and nothing gets done. I have a notebook that tells me everything to do, but I won't take it out and do it. (Well, sometimes I do.) I guess at home we KNOW that we aren't going to lose our job, etc. It is funny how we will do things for other people, but not ourselves. My dh always says when the house is clean that he feels like we should have company any minute. But, I was like, NO we should do this for ourselves!

One thing that helps me on the weekend is the Flylady tip to get dressed to shoes. When I put on my shoes I get a lot more done.

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Permalink Reply by Maria on March 12, 2010 at 6:04pm

Thank you, all! I'm undiagnosed but / the piles of clothes, projects, paperwork, ugh dinner again, frustrated husband/ all point to ADHD. I'm 41 with two kids and looking for strategies. I love the voices that mirror my own dilemas. It gives me hope and understanding of my quirky ways!

jen said:

I am the same way at home. Except I can plan plan plan... and nothing gets done. I have a notebook that tells me everything to do, but I won't take it out and do it. (Well, sometimes I do.) I guess at home we KNOW that we aren't going to lose our job, etc. It is funny how we will do things for other people, but not ourselves. My dh always says when the house is clean that he feels like we should have company any minute. But, I was like, NO we should do this for ourselves! One thing that helps me on the weekend is the Flylady tip to get dressed to shoes. When I put on my shoes I get a lot more done.

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