For Women with ADHD ADD Who Want to Connect
intro
Hi everyone. This is the first time I've ever been involved in a forum discussion. I am 45 years old and was recently dx'd with ADHD-inattentive type. At first I was happy to have a 'reason' for all my difficulties but just recently began to feel quite dispondant about this diagnosis. I was amazed initially that my difficulties were in fact not my fault and that they weren't just happening to me. There are a cluster of issues that I have struggled with most of my life. It was a shock to me that ADHD was my problem because I was an 'A' student in undergraduate school and an 'A' student in graduate school. In high school though, my academic counselor told me I should "consider a trade school because you're not smart enough for college". I learned or developed numerous coping skills and did great in school but it really took a toll on me.
After school, I got a good job but was constantly overwhelmed and angry--about being overwhelmed. I never was able to advance because I spent so much time trying to 'perfect' what I was doing instead of just realizing that my struggles weren't because I couldn't do the job but because I had to use so many coping skills and it took so much more effort than it took others. I became frustrated, angry, disillusioned, disappointed in myself.
I only resigned from my position after having my first child. The transition to new mom and stay-at-home mom was difficult. I wasn't yet diagnosed and found myself having great difficulty with everything. While I believe that all moms have it quite rough, I struggled excessively because my coping skills did not readily translate to my 'new position'. I couldn't understand why I struggled with household tasks etc., while other people had the same responsibilities as me and were quite adept at them. Again, this affected my self esteem a great deal.
I was diagnosed with ADHD after my twins turned three. So I have a 7 year old and two three year olds. I felt like I just wanted to stay in bed all day--although that was impossible with kids. I felt like the world was smothering me. As hard as I tried to get everything done, I just couldn't. I felt like, and still do feel like, a failure. Even knowing why these things happen and why I have difficulties, I still can't help but feel like a failure. I try so hard at everything and just barely get by at most things.
I feel like I'm feeling sorry for myself and I also feel trapped by everything. I don't have a particularly good marriage and no real support from my mother. My spouse thinks the ADHD thing doesn't really exist and gives little or no support to me. It isn't just the ADHD thing that is problomatic between us. I have discussed ADHD in general with a few of my close friends and they definately feel that it is 'a cop out'. Needless to say, I haven't been able to discuss my difficulties related to the ADHD with them.
I have great difficulty with organization, with motivating myself, and with completing tasks. I feel that I am constantly driven to do things and am always doing things and yet I have nothing to show for my efforts. All those things seem like something a lazy, unconcerned person would be like. I am none of those things. It drives me insane to feel one way inside me (wanting to do things, accomplish things, complete things) and yet the person that I am is unable to do it!!!!! It truly is like being trapped. It's like an invisable trap though because so few people understand it.
I have a great deal of guilt about my parenting also. It is the same as everything else, I want to be involved and do things with my kids but it takes such an effort to get them ready to go places that I often can't do it. That sounds so stupid but it is true. I want to paint and do crafts etc, but the house and everything else is always so disorganized that I just can't bring myself to do the fun stuff. In addition to feeling like a personal failure, I now feel like I am a failure as a mother--which is the most painful thing that I have ever felt.
Recently I have been thinking about how difficult my childhood and teenaged years were because of the ADHD and that has only added to my feelings of pain. My mother was never very supportive so I kind of went through it on my own. It has affected my life and my self esteem more that I ever realized and that realization now just blows me away. I wasn't a kid who got in trouble, drank, or did drugs. I just struggled to make it through the day, the week, the school year, high school, etc.
I also kind of turned into a chronic complainer because I felt so overwhelmed all the time. I got overstressed, angry, bitter. I am trying to change this by getting my life organized and structured but--hey--guess what???--that is my problem!!!! I can't do it. I try and try and still I feel like I drowning.
I have been taking Adderall XR for a few months but then my spouse took a new job and the insurance took over three months to start. I bought the meds for a month and took them when I could. I believe they worked initially, but don't seem to be doing the same thing now. It also is kind of disappointing because initially I thought my problems were behind me but the pervasiveness of this disorder can not be "fixed" just with meds.
I'm sorry for going on and on but his is the first place that I feel that I can say what is wrong with me and know that others may understand. I think that just being connected with others in this position may be a relief. Thank you for reading this wordy entry. Any support or advise would be welcomed. Again, thanks for listening.
After school, I got a good job but was constantly overwhelmed and angry--about being overwhelmed. I never was able to advance because I spent so much time trying to 'perfect' what I was doing instead of just realizing that my struggles weren't because I couldn't do the job but because I had to use so many coping skills and it took so much more effort than it took others. I became frustrated, angry, disillusioned, disappointed in myself.
I only resigned from my position after having my first child. The transition to new mom and stay-at-home mom was difficult. I wasn't yet diagnosed and found myself having great difficulty with everything. While I believe that all moms have it quite rough, I struggled excessively because my coping skills did not readily translate to my 'new position'. I couldn't understand why I struggled with household tasks etc., while other people had the same responsibilities as me and were quite adept at them. Again, this affected my self esteem a great deal.
I was diagnosed with ADHD after my twins turned three. So I have a 7 year old and two three year olds. I felt like I just wanted to stay in bed all day--although that was impossible with kids. I felt like the world was smothering me. As hard as I tried to get everything done, I just couldn't. I felt like, and still do feel like, a failure. Even knowing why these things happen and why I have difficulties, I still can't help but feel like a failure. I try so hard at everything and just barely get by at most things.
I feel like I'm feeling sorry for myself and I also feel trapped by everything. I don't have a particularly good marriage and no real support from my mother. My spouse thinks the ADHD thing doesn't really exist and gives little or no support to me. It isn't just the ADHD thing that is problomatic between us. I have discussed ADHD in general with a few of my close friends and they definately feel that it is 'a cop out'. Needless to say, I haven't been able to discuss my difficulties related to the ADHD with them.
I have great difficulty with organization, with motivating myself, and with completing tasks. I feel that I am constantly driven to do things and am always doing things and yet I have nothing to show for my efforts. All those things seem like something a lazy, unconcerned person would be like. I am none of those things. It drives me insane to feel one way inside me (wanting to do things, accomplish things, complete things) and yet the person that I am is unable to do it!!!!! It truly is like being trapped. It's like an invisable trap though because so few people understand it.
I have a great deal of guilt about my parenting also. It is the same as everything else, I want to be involved and do things with my kids but it takes such an effort to get them ready to go places that I often can't do it. That sounds so stupid but it is true. I want to paint and do crafts etc, but the house and everything else is always so disorganized that I just can't bring myself to do the fun stuff. In addition to feeling like a personal failure, I now feel like I am a failure as a mother--which is the most painful thing that I have ever felt.
Recently I have been thinking about how difficult my childhood and teenaged years were because of the ADHD and that has only added to my feelings of pain. My mother was never very supportive so I kind of went through it on my own. It has affected my life and my self esteem more that I ever realized and that realization now just blows me away. I wasn't a kid who got in trouble, drank, or did drugs. I just struggled to make it through the day, the week, the school year, high school, etc.
I also kind of turned into a chronic complainer because I felt so overwhelmed all the time. I got overstressed, angry, bitter. I am trying to change this by getting my life organized and structured but--hey--guess what???--that is my problem!!!! I can't do it. I try and try and still I feel like I drowning.
I have been taking Adderall XR for a few months but then my spouse took a new job and the insurance took over three months to start. I bought the meds for a month and took them when I could. I believe they worked initially, but don't seem to be doing the same thing now. It also is kind of disappointing because initially I thought my problems were behind me but the pervasiveness of this disorder can not be "fixed" just with meds.
I'm sorry for going on and on but his is the first place that I feel that I can say what is wrong with me and know that others may understand. I think that just being connected with others in this position may be a relief. Thank you for reading this wordy entry. Any support or advise would be welcomed. Again, thanks for listening.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Tina Greco on -
Wow! I just joined this forum today too, and did not take the time to write an intro but after reading yours, I may as well just write "ditto" after your entry because I swear we are practically twins! I agree with and relate to EVERY single point that you made! You will find that there is a multitude of people struggling with the same dilemmas as we are,behind closed doors...all similarily suffering, confused and misunderstood. I think that in time a person can get a handle on certain things but a lot of it depends on one's own dedication to learning, awareness, acceptance and tool development. I am nowhere near this blessed place but am ever hopeful that I can't be ALL bad! :). Will write more later. Welcome. This is surely a great place to share. Tina
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Permalink Reply by Finally! on -
Wow, parts of this- about your childhood and teenage years sounds identical to my story; and making the grades; I even made it through grad school while being pregnant and working full-time.
I hope you will find a therapist or anyone who truly listens. I really feel for you and the situation you're in with little or no help from your husband; it's unfortunate about your friends as well so you may need to continue to seek out people who understand...it may take a long time; I only say that b/c that's what is happening to me; few people still these days know about adults w/ ADHD, especially WOMEN w/ ADHD!
I live in a fairly big city so there is a support group for ADHD (and one for Bipolar/Depressive), but I haven't attended...maybe that's a possibility for you....
On a medication note, I tried Adderall but it didn't work. I take Concerta and Effexor (and have to really watch how much caffeine I drink w/ Diet Coke and coffee or I'll be headache-y, and super irritable).
:)
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Permalink Reply by ron on
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It is so surprising to me that there are so many other folks with similar experiences to mine. Sometimes I felt (and still do feel) like I'm crazy. It seems insane to have to try so hard to accomplish every day things! Do either of you ever just feel so worn out mentally. It seems like my mind is constantly on the go and like I am driven to just do, do, do. What still seems like a mystery to me though, is at the end of my day, after I've been busy all day, I haven't really seemed to accomplish anything.
Honestly, it all seems so much worse, so much harder to manage now that I am a stay-at-home mom. I'm sure it is because there really and truly is alot to do--even if a person wasn't ADHD, but also because it is soooo unstructured. I do use my children's needs to provide me with some structure. For example, I have to operate under a very tight schedule to get my son to school on time. Once he is gone, I still have potty training responsibility for my two other sons and I always stick to the same time schedule for their lunch and dinner. In between all that it just seems like a black hole!!! When I first started on the Adderall, I just felt like I was finally going to be able to accomplish things--and I did somewhat. But for whatever reason, I feel like my old self again--disorganized, fragmented, overwhelmed.
Just out of curiosity, do either of you or anyone else reading this, find that you are unable to enjoy yourself much?? I 'm not depressed but I do feel like I can't enjoy anything anymore. I really just don't even know how to have fun!! Others who have written about ADHD talk about their spontanaity and creativity. I believe that I have become increasingly rigid and completely lost any joy for living. Getting my life and house in order has become like an obsession with me. I have never been like this before. Hugging my kids seems to be the only sense of joy that I can feel. Sitting and playing with them for long periods of time makes me want to jump out of my skin however. I want to sit and enjoy my kids and this time while they are little, but I find it so hard to do. I also find it very hard to admit to that!!
I think this forum has already helped me though. It is a relief to know that there are others who are going through this. Tina's entry was quite positive with voiceing that there is a way to get a handle on all of this. I swear somtimes I feel like there is no way out. I've read alot about ADHD and mentally know there has to be a way to manage all of this, but sometimes my life gets the better of me and I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide.
The reply from FINALlY!, was helpful in regards to the Support Group. I'm going to see if there are any groups like that around here. I'm hoping that this forum will be my 'support group' for now. And let me just say WOW!!!!! to FINALLY! for making it through grad school while working full time AND being pregnant!!! I am impressed. I did work full time also but it was a big strain but I don't thing I could have made it if being pregnant was added in the mix!
Don't you guys think that it is soooo hard to understand how we could do the things that we did, accomplish what we accomplish, and yet struggle in our personal lives so much?? It is that proverbial enigma wrapped in a riddle. Although I understand the ADHD by definition, I still find it a difficult concept to get my mind around. I accept that my brain doesn't function properly and that I may have some chemical that is underproduced, over produced, reabsorbed to quickly, or doesn't have ample receptor sites available to it--but still, living with this still seems hard to accept in some ways.
I am anxious to get a response to that question about whether anyone else has difficulty with relaxing and enjoying life. I am wondering if that is a part of the ADHD, caused by the stress of the ADHD, or something that is unrelated!! Hope to hear from you all soon!
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Permalink Reply by Robbcann on -
Hi. I'm brand new to this site as well. I just received a formal diagnosis on Monday... same as you: ADHD Predominantly Inattentive type. I think I know what you're saying about missing the joy of life. Lately I've been so focused on my failures to finish the multitude of projects I began, that it's just become kinda' depressing. I feel overwhelmed by what needs to be done, so i just freeze. Nothing gets done. Just a lot of thinking about the projects, but no doing.
I haven't begun any medication yet; I still have to talk to the psychiatrist on staff at the adhd center about that. I'm anxious to try something-- I'm anxious to see a difference, and feel a difference.
Good luck with your progress, and God bless us everyone! (tiny tim!)
Cannie
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Permalink Reply by ron on
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Hi Canie,
I was wondering if you were prescribed any meds? If so, so you feel any different?? The nurse practitioner that I see has just raised my Adderall to 30 mg. every day because it wasn't helping the same way it did when I first started taking it. I haven't started the new dose because my kids all have colds and I'm up alot at night with them. Then we sleep in alittle later and I don't like to take the medication late in the morning because sometimes it keeps me up too late at night if I do that. I'm looking foward to starting to take it regularly again because it was such a big help initially. Hopefully some medication will help you with your symptoms. I'll check back to see if you've responded. Take care
Robbcann said:Hi. I'm brand new to this site as well. I just received a formal diagnosis on Monday... same as you: ADHD Predominantly Inattentive type. I think I know what you're saying about missing the joy of life. Lately I've been so focused on my failures to finish the multitude of projects I began, that it's just become kinda' depressing. I feel overwhelmed by what needs to be done, so i just freeze. Nothing gets done. Just a lot of thinking about the projects, but no doing.
I haven't begun any medication yet; I still have to talk to the psychiatrist on staff at the adhd center about that. I'm anxious to try something-- I'm anxious to see a difference, and feel a difference.
Good luck with your progress, and God bless us everyone! (tiny tim!)
Cannie
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Permalink Reply by jo elleman on
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ron, you nailed it! I read my life in your post! I, too, do not feel depressed, but it is as if I overthink every move that I make and feel like I am somehow on the outside looking in on myself. I can never "lose" myself in the moment...virtually everything is a struggle. This inability to enjoy anything, I have never been able to put my finger on it, but you somehow put it into the very words I would have used if I ever attempted to.
ron said:It is so surprising to me that there are so many other folks with similar experiences to mine. Sometimes I felt (and still do feel) like I'm crazy. It seems insane to have to try so hard to accomplish every day things! Do either of you ever just feel so worn out mentally. It seems like my mind is constantly on the go and like I am driven to just do, do, do. What still seems like a mystery to me though, is at the end of my day, after I've been busy all day, I haven't really seemed to accomplish anything.
Honestly, it all seems so much worse, so much harder to manage now that I am a stay-at-home mom. I'm sure it is because there really and truly is alot to do--even if a person wasn't ADHD, but also because it is soooo unstructured. I do use my children's needs to provide me with some structure. For example, I have to operate under a very tight schedule to get my son to school on time. Once he is gone, I still have potty training responsibility for my two other sons and I always stick to the same time schedule for their lunch and dinner. In between all that it just seems like a black hole!!! When I first started on the Adderall, I just felt like I was finally going to be able to accomplish things--and I did somewhat. But for whatever reason, I feel like my old self again--disorganized, fragmented, overwhelmed.
Just out of curiosity, do either of you or anyone else reading this, find that you are unable to enjoy yourself much?? I 'm not depressed but I do feel like I can't enjoy anything anymore. I really just don't even know how to have fun!! Others who have written about ADHD talk about their spontanaity and creativity. I believe that I have become increasingly rigid and completely lost any joy for living. Getting my life and house in order has become like an obsession with me. I have never been like this before. Hugging my kids seems to be the only sense of joy that I can feel. Sitting and playing with them for long periods of time makes me want to jump out of my skin however. I want to sit and enjoy my kids and this time while they are little, but I find it so hard to do. I also find it very hard to admit to that!!
I think this forum has already helped me though. It is a relief to know that there are others who are going through this. Tina's entry was quite positive with voiceing that there is a way to get a handle on all of this. I swear somtimes I feel like there is no way out. I've read alot about ADHD and mentally know there has to be a way to manage all of this, but sometimes my life gets the better of me and I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide.
The reply from FINALlY!, was helpful in regards to the Support Group. I'm going to see if there are any groups like that around here. I'm hoping that this forum will be my 'support group' for now. And let me just say WOW!!!!! to FINALLY! for making it through grad school while working full time AND being pregnant!!! I am impressed. I did work full time also but it was a big strain but I don't thing I could have made it if being pregnant was added in the mix!
Don't you guys think that it is soooo hard to understand how we could do the things that we did, accomplish what we accomplish, and yet struggle in our personal lives so much?? It is that proverbial enigma wrapped in a riddle. Although I understand the ADHD by definition, I still find it a difficult concept to get my mind around. I accept that my brain doesn't function properly and that I may have some chemical that is underproduced, over produced, reabsorbed to quickly, or doesn't have ample receptor sites available to it--but still, living with this still seems hard to accept in some ways.
I am anxious to get a response to that question about whether anyone else has difficulty with relaxing and enjoying life. I am wondering if that is a part of the ADHD, caused by the stress of the ADHD, or something that is unrelated!! Hope to hear from you all soon!
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Permalink Reply by jen on -
Someone suggested Flylady.net to another person and I would suggest her to you too. It is really a very good system for people with ADD I think. Because you only work on each thing for 15 minutes. I don't know if I would sign up for the email list though because she sends so many, but if you are a stay at home mom and can deal with deleting them as they come in (and you do the work) then it might not be so bad.
This system really helped get me organized a few times (without any meds) and even though I have started and stopped I have kept a little bit of it going each time.
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Permalink Reply by jo elleman on
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I am beginning to think that ADHD should be considered an anxiety disorder, but not in the general sense as in generalized anxiety disorder (GED) because, we have productive anxiety if there is such a thing. That constant perpetual sense of drivenness, the never-ending disecting and analyzing,... we worry constantly, but we can anticipate good things too. With GED, you constantly replace one worry with another; I thought when I first heard about it in a psychology class in college that this sounded like me, but then I realized I don't so much worry as in imagining a negative outcome, but that I just preoccupy, even if it is about something wonderful that has happened, cherishing and reliving the memory, or daydreaming about fantastic events, or rehashing situations, whatever. Don't know if anxiety qualifies as the word, but my mind is always working, dissecting, searching, creating, and my body attempts desperately to keep up. Maybe the only way to enjoy life is to let go and empty your mind and just merely feel the experience, and that is so difficult when the brain just won't give us a break and slow down. Not only is it practically impossible to find enjoyment, but to suffer grief- which is a neccessity, really, etc. My Dr. says the ADHD comes before the anxiety, but I remember being anxious about messing up way back on my first day in elementary school. I suppose that being worried at first is normal with any child, but I look back and remember the driving dread which seemed to be only appropriate in its intensity to an adult, throughout the ellementary grades, and a deep disturbing feeling that it was of dire importance that I do everything right. No wonder I have trouble growing up. I was dead serious about everything from day - one and don't believe I ever gave myself permission to be a silly, frivolously adventurous child. Of course there have been intermittant moments when my spontaneous nature caught me by suprise, and they still occur, but then that is when I blurt out the wrong thing or act on the impulses and then suffer from embarrassment later. there doesn't seem to be that healthy balance other people have. I either jump in on a notion and completely make a fool of myself for which the self-berating afterward doesn't make it worth it, or I think myself right out of acting at all, for fear of blowing it yet again. Yes, I have been able to break into uncontrollable laughter, for example when being completely off-the wall with my kids when they were young enough not to role their eyes in disgust, and I would literally laugh til it hurt. So there is the other extreme, as I said. We ADDERS are the extreme, but never the "norm".
ron said:It is so surprising to me that there are so many other folks with similar experiences to mine. Sometimes I felt (and still do feel) like I'm crazy. It seems insane to have to try so hard to accomplish every day things! Do either of you ever just feel so worn out mentally. It seems like my mind is constantly on the go and like I am driven to just do, do, do. What still seems like a mystery to me though, is at the end of my day, after I've been busy all day, I haven't really seemed to accomplish anything.
Honestly, it all seems so much worse, so much harder to manage now that I am a stay-at-home mom. I'm sure it is because there really and truly is alot to do--even if a person wasn't ADHD, but also because it is soooo unstructured. I do use my children's needs to provide me with some structure. For example, I have to operate under a very tight schedule to get my son to school on time. Once he is gone, I still have potty training responsibility for my two other sons and I always stick to the same time schedule for their lunch and dinner. In between all that it just seems like a black hole!!! When I first started on the Adderall, I just felt like I was finally going to be able to accomplish things--and I did somewhat. But for whatever reason, I feel like my old self again--disorganized, fragmented, overwhelmed.
Just out of curiosity, do either of you or anyone else reading this, find that you are unable to enjoy yourself much?? I 'm not depressed but I do feel like I can't enjoy anything anymore. I really just don't even know how to have fun!! Others who have written about ADHD talk about their spontanaity and creativity. I believe that I have become increasingly rigid and completely lost any joy for living. Getting my life and house in order has become like an obsession with me. I have never been like this before. Hugging my kids seems to be the only sense of joy that I can feel. Sitting and playing with them for long periods of time makes me want to jump out of my skin however. I want to sit and enjoy my kids and this time while they are little, but I find it so hard to do. I also find it very hard to admit to that!!
I think this forum has already helped me though. It is a relief to know that there are others who are going through this. Tina's entry was quite positive with voiceing that there is a way to get a handle on all of this. I swear somtimes I feel like there is no way out. I've read alot about ADHD and mentally know there has to be a way to manage all of this, but sometimes my life gets the better of me and I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide.
The reply from FINALlY!, was helpful in regards to the Support Group. I'm going to see if there are any groups like that around here. I'm hoping that this forum will be my 'support group' for now. And let me just say WOW!!!!! to FINALLY! for making it through grad school while working full time AND being pregnant!!! I am impressed. I did work full time also but it was a big strain but I don't thing I could have made it if being pregnant was added in the mix!
Don't you guys think that it is soooo hard to understand how we could do the things that we did, accomplish what we accomplish, and yet struggle in our personal lives so much?? It is that proverbial enigma wrapped in a riddle. Although I understand the ADHD by definition, I still find it a difficult concept to get my mind around. I accept that my brain doesn't function properly and that I may have some chemical that is underproduced, over produced, reabsorbed to quickly, or doesn't have ample receptor sites available to it--but still, living with this still seems hard to accept in some ways.
I am anxious to get a response to that question about whether anyone else has difficulty with relaxing and enjoying life. I am wondering if that is a part of the ADHD, caused by the stress of the ADHD, or something that is unrelated!! Hope to hear from you all soon!
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Permalink Reply by Marie on
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A common thing seems to be a sense of failure...lot of low self esteem stuff goin around.
Anyone read Dr Hallowell..I think someone mentioned it, earlier...he has a great attitude/approach to ADD..some of the books are kind of dry....but a lot of his writings are very positive. He helps you accept the weaknesses of ADD...and definitely supports the strengths...I feel like I turned my thinking around a LOT, after reading his stuff..for me, it was like a pivotal moment. I always knew I had the ADD...the struggles I've had are Exactly like the ones mentioned in all of your posts. ..and more...we all have the same, but different stuff, right?..but it's changing for me..first and foremost...I'm just done apologizing for having it lol...I no longer say I have ADD in a manner which makes me look stupid. If I treat it that way...so will others. I have more confidence now. I don't apologize for other medical issues..why apologize for this? I don't care anymore if ppl don't 'believe' in it..tough , u know what..lol...my hubby has been my biggest unbeliever..you all know what that can be like..if it aint hub..could be mom..dad..whoever...I have to say...the change in my thinking is starting to pay off with the hub. I began to insist on respect. Dont get me wrong..he was not abusive or anything...he was patronizing...I enabled..u know the drill...often trying to 'show me a better way'...full of tons of advice for being more organized...or 'how to start'....I'm surprised he's still alive, frankly lol...cuz I wanted to take him down many times!! ...anyways...I believe answers to ADD are many. It's not just one thing...it's a series of things that will help us cope and live with it, and to even thrive. AFter that book..it was so strange...I remember I had a couple of really late nights...and didn't 'fight it'..I went with it...I wrote down stuff..I did my endless 'listing' that I do...and I felt great about it...I just 'did ADD'. Accepting it,,,and seeing the benefits of it are something I have NEVER thought about...I have always felt 'trapped', or kept from my potential...I had dreams and desires and TONS of ideas in life, but couldn't 'reach them'...couldn't implement them..couldn't stick with it...but I honestly feel that I had/have been programmed from very early childhood, to not achieve...cuz u get labeled...at least I did...so..now..ya gotta take the label off...isnt easy...but it can be done..in fact..you have to. Do what it takes..Meds..Diet...exercise...read, read, read,,support....whatever works for you! Just don't give up. Start to see yourself as smart..intensely smart...I bet a lot of you are fantastic problem solvers...you see ways to do things...you're positive....but with a messy car, maybe lol..or house...worse things in life, arent there? I will say that my whole life, Ive had this 'core', I called it..that would 'survive'..I'd always bounce back...after time and time again going into depressions and these 'failure modes'..but it was so hard....this 'core' would always send me towards another book, or just research..educate..and try..I tried like a freakin maniac. ...and sometimes I did great...even in our frustrated existence, we have moments that are awesome...I think that's where the Dr Hallowell stuff tapped into me..I started thinking of some of those ways that I would approach a problem inside and out...that's a strength...I'd brainstorm an idea to death...another strength....I couldn't 'sit with the kids', either...read? Man..no way...and I had 7 of em..so I always thought I was wrecking their lives....but as I look back...I did things that dear ole, organized Dad never did...I impulsively would say in March..who wants to go camping..(snow yet in Michigan)...and off we'd go...who wants to drive to Indiana and get a bite to eat? ...we have our positive ways. We are often fun, energetic,,and the life of the party...I work on having a sense of humour...I guess Im ramblin a bit..but I get 'talky' at night...I swear it's when I come alive..at night..lol.. though it sounds trite and maybe cliche, learning to like who you are is tantamount to dealing with ADD. ..for me, anyways. Not a dejected acceptance...I mean I'm learning to like me..I like my unfinished thoughts and sentences..sometimes..I'm learning to 'work with fam members', in learning to accept me more...I'm more open..Im telling them ..the sentences and thoughts are there..spittin em out is tough...hubby is more patient with me, after I truly explained what the thought patterns are..if your mate isnt supportive...dont play dead...find someone who is..friend..church..support group...here....if there's one thing I've learned in life..and I keep learning it more...noone is going to do it for me. I can make better choices...even in situations that are out of my control. Anyways...I sense a 'rambling' thing happening to me..so..time to stop. I've posted here and there on this site..and I've enjoyed it..would love to hear more success stories from others..it's great reading all the stuff..the good..the bad..the ugly...it's all good!
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Permalink Reply by ron on
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Hi jo elleman.
I haven't had time to check the site because once again my three little guys all got sick. With three kids, one gets it, then the next and so on. It takes like three weeks before everyone is well on their way to being well and it always takes a physical toll on me because I'm up with them at night. After so many days in a row of not getting good sleep and tending to sick kids--I'm just so tired and behind on everything. Anyway I read your post and had to say that you were very succinct in saying what took me alot of words to say!! I'm not even sure if I realized my whole feelings but after reading your post I'd say "yeah, that it!!!" I do over think everything--all the time, I'm not spontaneous (or only on rare, rare occasions). And what you described about being on the outside watching yourself. It truly is like watching yourself live your life instead of just living your life. It crushes so much of the joy of living. I worry all the time that my kind of blah way of living will rub off on my kids. I think I see some of the anxiety and inability to enjoy things in my 7 yo son. As hard as it is to live this life, the pain I feel thinking that my son may feel this way too just about kills me inside. I have to say though, everytime I get a chance to check this site it gives me a sense of strength, hope, and normalcy. All of my life I have struggled with the secret fear that I am some kind of a weirdo because of how I felt and experienced life. I never seemed to be like my friends in some way that I couldn't describe or even pin point myself. I feel that way now much of the time but when I read the posts of others who feel this way also and who struggle with some of the same issues that I do, it gives me a sense of relief and of peace of mind. It doesn't change anything but it is sooo good to know that I'm not just some freak. It isn't hard to see why ADHD folks feel like failures though as someone else mentioned. I think in general that I appear pretty normal, pretty regular, not weird or freaky. I have a masters degree, had a 17 year career, am married and have three kids---pretty regular kind of person---ON THE OUTSIDE--but on the inside AND inside of my life, things are chaotic all the time. I don't feel like I live up to my potential or accomplish what I need to. I struggle with everyday stuff that should be easy. That makes it easy to see why I feel like a failure or struggle with a constant sense of failure. ADHD reaches sooo deeply into my life in ways that I'm sure I'm not even aware of yet. I guess that getting a diagnosis of ADHD is just the beginning. I thought that finally having a name for my problems would start making things better. I'm finding out slowly that knowing what it is is just the first step. It is sinking in more and more everyday. I'm finding out more and more how it IS affecting me and how it HAS affected me in the past. I guess this is a long slow process. I know that knowing what the problem is has given me a starting point. I never would have seen all the interconnections that my problems have. I would have gone on thinking that I have so many individual shortcomings as a person. Little by little I see how these issues are interconnected and how the ADHD affects all of this or causes all of this. I wonder if there is a way to stop "watching" ourselves and overthinking things and start to enjoy life?? Well, Ive been up for 22 hours now and am ready to fall over so I'm going to sleep. There are other great posts here that I hope to reply to also. This is totally out of my character to say or rather write this but............thank you to all the folks who are brave enough to openly talk about all of this stuff. I am finding this journey to be quite painful at times but I get a sense of comfort knowing that I am not alone in this. If you don't have ADHD, you can't possibly really and truly fully understand its impact. It is good to talk and share with others who can understand it and help me understand it better too.
jo elleman said:ron, you nailed it! I read my life in your post! I, too, do not feel depressed, but it is as if I overthink every move that I make and feel like I am somehow on the outside looking in on myself. I can never "lose" myself in the moment...virtually everything is a struggle. This inability to enjoy anything, I have never been able to put my finger on it, but you somehow put it into the very words I would have used if I ever attempted to.
ron said:It is so surprising to me that there are so many other folks with similar experiences to mine. Sometimes I felt (and still do feel) like I'm crazy. It seems insane to have to try so hard to accomplish every day things! Do either of you ever just feel so worn out mentally. It seems like my mind is constantly on the go and like I am driven to just do, do, do. What still seems like a mystery to me though, is at the end of my day, after I've been busy all day, I haven't really seemed to accomplish anything.
Honestly, it all seems so much worse, so much harder to manage now that I am a stay-at-home mom. I'm sure it is because there really and truly is alot to do--even if a person wasn't ADHD, but also because it is soooo unstructured. I do use my children's needs to provide me with some structure. For example, I have to operate under a very tight schedule to get my son to school on time. Once he is gone, I still have potty training responsibility for my two other sons and I always stick to the same time schedule for their lunch and dinner. In between all that it just seems like a black hole!!! When I first started on the Adderall, I just felt like I was finally going to be able to accomplish things--and I did somewhat. But for whatever reason, I feel like my old self again--disorganized, fragmented, overwhelmed.
Just out of curiosity, do either of you or anyone else reading this, find that you are unable to enjoy yourself much?? I 'm not depressed but I do feel like I can't enjoy anything anymore. I really just don't even know how to have fun!! Others who have written about ADHD talk about their spontanaity and creativity. I believe that I have become increasingly rigid and completely lost any joy for living. Getting my life and house in order has become like an obsession with me. I have never been like this before. Hugging my kids seems to be the only sense of joy that I can feel. Sitting and playing with them for long periods of time makes me want to jump out of my skin however. I want to sit and enjoy my kids and this time while they are little, but I find it so hard to do. I also find it very hard to admit to that!!
I think this forum has already helped me though. It is a relief to know that there are others who are going through this. Tina's entry was quite positive with voiceing that there is a way to get a handle on all of this. I swear somtimes I feel like there is no way out. I've read alot about ADHD and mentally know there has to be a way to manage all of this, but sometimes my life gets the better of me and I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide.
The reply from FINALlY!, was helpful in regards to the Support Group. I'm going to see if there are any groups like that around here. I'm hoping that this forum will be my 'support group' for now. And let me just say WOW!!!!! to FINALLY! for making it through grad school while working full time AND being pregnant!!! I am impressed. I did work full time also but it was a big strain but I don't thing I could have made it if being pregnant was added in the mix!
Don't you guys think that it is soooo hard to understand how we could do the things that we did, accomplish what we accomplish, and yet struggle in our personal lives so much?? It is that proverbial enigma wrapped in a riddle. Although I understand the ADHD by definition, I still find it a difficult concept to get my mind around. I accept that my brain doesn't function properly and that I may have some chemical that is underproduced, over produced, reabsorbed to quickly, or doesn't have ample receptor sites available to it--but still, living with this still seems hard to accept in some ways.
I am anxious to get a response to that question about whether anyone else has difficulty with relaxing and enjoying life. I am wondering if that is a part of the ADHD, caused by the stress of the ADHD, or something that is unrelated!! Hope to hear from you all soon!
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Permalink Reply by Kris54 on
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I guess I am going off in another direction here. I read in several of these posts variations of "I'm not depressed, I'm just not happy." This comes from the misunderstanding of using 'depressed' and 'sad' almost interchangeably. As well as being ADHD, I am also clinically depressed. I'm not sad but I'm not happy either, in fact I'm not really anything. This is what depressed means, all of my emotions are barely there.
My depression was not diagnosed until I reached a stage of becoming cataleptic. I would get up and dressed, get the kids dressed, fed and off to school, and then I would sit and stare at the grain patterns of the wood paneling in the living room. For hours.
Since that time I have been on and off Paxil several times. I have to admit that the only times I can remember actually being happy were while I was on meds. I just ended up in a situation where I couldn't afford to keep them up so I worked with my counselor at the time until I reached a point where I can say I am functionally depressed. Kind of weird, now that I am trying to put it into words, but that is about the best description I can think of.
So, just because someone has been diagnosed with ADHD, that may not be the whole problem. I have the terrible trio of ADHD (diagnosed when I was a child), Depression (Diagnosed in my 30's), and Aspergers (Diagnosed last year). No insurance, no meds, living alone so basically no family, but coping. I love this site and am reading, reading, reading. Flylady is wonderful, and I while I have joined I do not get anything but one daily digest and none of the "it's time to ...." emails.
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Permalink Reply by Dawn E on
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My first suggestion would be to take a deep breath, you are not alone though I do not have kids I can understand your fustration with home and medication and disorganization,
I can tell you what I did: I was officially diagnosised in 2000 I went a "special ed kid" in school all the way through high school to an A/B student in college, I graduate with a 3.3 BS in Psychology completed in 3 1/2 years while working a full time job ( my high school counselor told me when I wanted to come back to HS after quiting "it is realistically impossible for you to come back " though she said those words in 1986 it still upsets me, ADD/ADHD are not "special ed" we are special and actually very intelligent.
I had to go to Duke CHild and Family center because there was no were to go in WV, I was fustrated anger and "spinning my wheels at work and home", I got re-tested on no meds (I had to be free from meds for 4 days, that was interesting), I found out that I was on to much Ritilan and that I need Welbutrin to stablize everything along with Ritilan. it took a good 6-8 months but then I finally had a clear head....
When it comes to to structure and organizing this is not abnormal for us, I started writing in a journal at first it was enters to myself, "hello self and how are we today and I would respond back, then I added writing to my "higher power" I have been sober 18 years and my mom as been sober 13 years so Al-Anon and AA is in my blood. ( her drinking while carrying me ( I am the youngest of 4) gave me fetal alchol effect ( not syndrome) this is a cause of ADD though rarely diagnosis, my "father" was the cause of her drinking and I have never blamed her and she will never hear it from me that her drinking caused my ADD.
Step back and breath, my family (sibling know that I have ADD but have never asked about it my mom as asked about it and actually apologized for yelling at me when I was a child because she just thought I was just load to be rude and disrespectful, but when I was 38 years old she "apologized about it" and this is cute, "one day I was visiting her and she said "please don't get upset but have you taken your medication because you are getting loud" I laughed and said yes mom give it another 15 minutes, and she did then said you have down to science don't you" 15 minutes and you are calm and not loud" we both laughed because it was a big step for her,
Organizing I made this suggestion to another lady in this group, the show Clean House and the show Clean Sweep have been a great help to me along with the DIY web page that and my 6 months rule (except for seasonal items) if it as not been used it either gets donated or tossed with seasonal decorations and clothing I go through it each year and decide if I have used it or worn it does it fit and then again donate (clothes always) or toss ( co worker that my husband work with just got a new house with his wife and 2 kids I gave them alot of my XMAS decoration I had not used and some were brand new it would make the kids holiday to have their house decorated.
Great Resources for Women with ADHD
Great Books on ADHD!
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