For Women with ADHD ADD Who Want to Connect
My husband doesn't get ADD & thinks Im lazy
My husband just came home for lunch for about 15 minutes and we managed to get in an argument that ended with us screaming and he screamed "ADD my ass, its called being a worthless lazy bitch." and yesterday he screamed at me and said I was wasting my money and time with doctors and therapy that Im not getting better that Im getting worse.
I have been in a deep depression since my dad passed away 6 months ago. I took care of him fulltime and he was on home hospice for awhile and had a long, drawn out illness with tons of ups and downs. So I was an emotional rollarcoaster for the last few years and now Im still grieving the loss of my dad, he was only 59. And 6 weeks after he died his sister, my aunt, passed away from the same illness. They lived together so I took care of her some of the time too and was very close to her throughout my life.
I know it's been 6 months and he is tired of seeing my laying around and not doing anything and being in a bad mood... I had ADD before all this and took medication, but didn't realize the impact it was having on my life until after my dad passed away when I started reading books and learning about how it manifests itself in different people.
Im also struggling in a college class and taking it for the 3rd time and he brought that up and shoved it in my face again too.
What do I do? Im sick of myself too...
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Karen L on -
any time i read or hear about women being put down or insulted or not supported, i just cringe. it makes me want to yell out to them "get out!" but i don't live anyone else's life so I can't tell anyone else what to do.
I'm sorry your husband is not very understanding or supportive.
You might benefit from counseling. Both to deal with the obvious grief from these loved ones' passings and to deal with the lack of support from your husband and to deal with your ADD. I encourage you to look into it. If you are in college, there might be something on campus where you won't have to pay much (if at all). That's how it was at my university.
do you HAVE to take this class? can you postpone it until you're a bit more stable and less stressed?
I'm sorry you don't feel good about yourself. I've been there way too many times and I'm sure I'll be there again but for today, I feel just okay about myself. I wish there were easy answers for you but there aren't. hang in there and know that we all care and support you here!
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Permalink Reply by jean on -
That's terrible. You are probably in a deep depression from all the loss. to add to that the bad side of the ADD, well I'm not sure what the answer is, but you need someone supportive. Beleive me zI know what someone screaming at you, about how lazy and useless you are isn't helping. My father did that for my entire childhood. Still when he visits, he does that. It cuts you down to about zilch.
Are you medicated now? Is it helping at all. Was he ever understanding before all of this. Im happy my husband gets all of this because sometimes the house is completely disastrous.
Maybe as kAREN MENTIONED SOME COUNSELING MIGHT HELP. i GUESS IT COULDN'T HURT. ARE YOU EXHAUSTED OR JUST KIND OF DON'T CARE. I HAVE BEEN BOTH. EXHAUSTED IS WORSE. DEPRESSION ACTUALLY CAN MAKE YOU VERY TIRED BECAUSE PHYSICALLY IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH NEUROTRANSMITTERS IN YOUR BRAIN, AND THAT FALLS BACK TO SOMETIMES LACK OF CERTAIN NUTRIENTS.
iT WOULD BE EASY FOR ME TO SAY, PACK UP AND LEAVE THAT UNGRATEFUL MAN, BUT i'M NOT SURE IF THAT IS THE ANSWER FOR YOU. JUST KNOW THAT YOU CAN VENT HERE AND WE ALWAYS LISTEN
JEAN
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Permalink Reply by jen on -
My husband is almost at the point yours is at, and I am sure our next fight will include a similar line from him. Without the "B" comment. I would have to say that is the first thing I would address. It is NOT okay for some one to call you worthless, lazy or a B!
As for your feelings, I am sure like the others have said that depression is a big part of it. You also kind of sound like me and I know it is an ADD tendency to take on way more than you should. Can you drop anything at all?
For a while I quit reading anything ADD related because it made me feel worse. I hated reading stories of what life was like for someone before they found out. It just depressed me so much. It wasn't that I was planning to just ignore it, but I find that sometimes I just have to force myself to take a break.
If your husband is anything like mine he will probably feel really bad about what he did later. I think what is most needed is for the two of you to sit down and talk about things. What exactly is the thing that is bothering him the most? What is an acceptable way of speaking to each other? That kind of thing. I know for me an episode like that would have had me sitting on my butt for the rest of the day, "you wanna see lazy, ok, here ya go!" You need him to support you, THAT is the way to get you to get things done. I haven't done so yet, but I am planning to talk to my husband about ways he can address some of my ADD behavior that would not make it worse.
For instance a lot of times when I hyperfocus on computer work he will come in and say, "WTH, you have your face stuck in that computer and the whole house is falling down around you!" Many times what he means is, "can you help me clean the kitchen?" or "Come watch TV with me." THOSE comments would get me off the computer. But, he thinks I should just DO it, and the problem is... I can't without the reminder.
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Permalink Reply by Manda Joy on -
He did feel bad & things were much calmer by the time he got home from work. Im on adderall 20mg at 7,noon, & 3. Even if I take another one in the evening I don't get much out of it. Im also on 20mg prozac & have been for a few months but am starting to wonder if its working... but also I get depressed when Im PSMing. I think I need to be back on the pill to control my hormones b/c I can be evil during that time too. It's a lot for him to put up with. Ive tried a few other ADHD meds but my life seems to fall apart within a week or 2 so I always go back to adderall.
My husband & I need to communicate with each other, I avoid communication about important things b/c I feel like he doesn't understand what Im trying to say, or he misunderstands me & ends up frustrated about the topic & about my lack of communication skills. lol So I feel like not saying anything is better than him misunderstanding what I intended to say sometimes.
I write letters & notes and leave them on his desk when I need to talk about something important... and if I feel like venting & yelling I write a mean note with intention of giving it to him but usually calm down by the end of the note & throw it in the back of the closet or trash..
Oh Yeah I met with a therapist for few months up until middle of Jan. She made a bunch of goals with me but when I didn't meet them I was to ashamed to go back for the next appointment. She didn't really understand how ADD was impacting my life either, so I feel like if Im going to pay $120 to spend an hour talking to someone then that someone should know about the disorder Im suffering from. Ya know?
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Permalink Reply by Cari on -
Don't minimize the grief you feel-that is a significant loss. On top of that, you might not have considered caregiver syndrome, where you are so involved in caring for someone with an illness, that when they pass you are left with an even bigger hole. Don't let your husband bring you down. He has no right to speak to you that way. If he felt bad, that's a positive. He has hope!
I guess with our "problems" it's understandable that people get frustrated with us, but there's never any justification for name-calling or putting you down. Can you both get counseling together? It might help if he could hear from a professional exactly what's going on. If it gets abusive, don't make excuses...RUN! Otherwise, good luck, and I hope you find what you're looking for!
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Permalink Reply by jen on
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I figured he would, he sounds a lot like my DH. I think you actually have a great way of getting important things across to him by writing it down. However, it might still be good to take your points (written down already) and say them to him. If you write them down then you won't forget, but at the same time he could tell you how he feels too. I have done a similar thing too with notes I don't send. For some reason they make you feel better though! I agree about the therapist. Also, if she understood ADD she probably wouldn't have given you a bunch of goals to accomplish before the next session. That would kind of be like telling an alcoholic to have a few shots between now and the next meeting. So, I agree she doesn't really understand. I was thinking the other day though, it must be so hard for non-add people to understand how we are. Because, I couldn't imagine NOT being the way I am. Obviously there are things that I think have cause problems in my life, but I essentially thought most people were the same way as me. Now I see they are not. Of course I think my whole family had it, so I never had ANY model of a non-add person. It makes a big difference in how you view other people when ADD is all you see/know. And, I am sure it is the same way for "them".
Manda Joy said:He did feel bad & things were much calmer by the time he got home from work. Im on adderall 20mg at 7,noon, & 3. Even if I take another one in the evening I don't get much out of it. Im also on 20mg prozac & have been for a few months but am starting to wonder if its working... but also I get depressed when Im PSMing. I think I need to be back on the pill to control my hormones b/c I can be evil during that time too. It's a lot for him to put up with. Ive tried a few other ADHD meds but my life seems to fall apart within a week or 2 so I always go back to adderall.
My husband & I need to communicate with each other, I avoid communication about important things b/c I feel like he doesn't understand what Im trying to say, or he misunderstands me & ends up frustrated about the topic & about my lack of communication skills. lol So I feel like not saying anything is better than him misunderstanding what I intended to say sometimes.
I write letters & notes and leave them on his desk when I need to talk about something important... and if I feel like venting & yelling I write a mean note with intention of giving it to him but usually calm down by the end of the note & throw it in the back of the closet or trash..
Oh Yeah I met with a therapist for few months up until middle of Jan. She made a bunch of goals with me but when I didn't meet them I was to ashamed to go back for the next appointment. She didn't really understand how ADD was impacting my life either, so I feel like if Im going to pay $120 to spend an hour talking to someone then that someone should know about the disorder Im suffering from. Ya know?
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Permalink Reply by snowchild on -
Dear Manda Joy!
Sounds like he's the one needing treatment... Even if you in fact were a lazy b... he has no business screaming at you. I understand you're hurt.
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Permalink Reply by Cleo on
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Manda Joy, even without the ADD you are going through a difficult but perfectly normal process. Grief takes time and, as Cari said earlier, it is even harder when you've been the caretaker. Six months is certainly not that long. As well, it accumulates, so that the second death or loss brings back earlier ones again too. There is a lot of internal work you need to do to get past all that. You might find it helpful to keep a personal journal, as well as writing to this site, so that you can get it out whether anyone is listening or not, plus read it again later and see what was going on for yourself.
keep taking care of yourself,
Cleo
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Permalink Reply by Cindy on -
Hi Manda,
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. I understand exactly where you are coming from. My family of 3 (me,husband,daughter) have the ADHD. My daughter was treated as a youngster with medication mostly for school. I've realized within the last few years, that I also have it, and so does husband. They both don't get it. Like if I change, then they will too?! "Come on, I'm not that dumb." We do have a little dog named Fred or Freddie. He is the only one to whom I get unconditional love from.
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Permalink Reply by Addy on -
You and your husband both need to give yourself time to grieve. It takes way longer than 6 months to get over the loss of a loved one, especially a parent, especially when you've been the caretaker. That being said, there's a difference between "grief" and "depression", and it sounds like you may need to be evaluated and treated for it.
I remember taking an ADD seminar once about breaking through the mental clutter, and one of the participants said that he actually felt more focused when his wife had been ill. If you were the primary caretaker for your father, that probably provided a lot of structure to your life that has since evaporated. It's important to keep that in mind as well.
I totally agree that working with a therapist who doesn't understand ADD is a waste of time. This person might also be able to help you and your husband communicate better.
Even if he's sorry afterward, what he said to you (the name-calling, telling you you'll never get better) constitutes verbal abuse and there's no excuse for that. Being subject to that kind of contempt has been proven to be physically unhealthy, and of course it won't help your depression any!
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Permalink Reply by Chai Latte on -
Hugs for you, Miranda!
I think it's my awful Irish temper, but holy crap--the minute the 'b' word drops from a significant other's mouth, it is ON. I'm so sorry he said that to you--what a jerky thing to do! (Notice I didn't call HIM a jerk, but his behavior certainly falls in that category.)
Anyone would be depressed in your situation, experiencing the losses you have. *extra luv* I'm sorry for your losses! It would be a great idea to find a better counselor, one that has some inkling of what you're going through.
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Permalink Reply by Shelly on
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Think long and hard about what you like about him and what you dont like about him. Take note on both. Ask yourself if you would rather be happy and alone or unhappy and with someone (that question is so important and there is no correct answer, it is what you prefer). If you stay with him, see if he is willing to get counseling with you because it sounds like he may have some issues he may need to work out too, guys sometimes have a problem admitting they have issues and end up getting frustrated and lashing out. If you want to leave him, there's no time like the present.
Imagine what you want your life to be like, write it down. Take notes on your likes and dislikes. Create some goals (short and long term and just a couple at a time), write them down and reward yourself or you and your husband for your progress. Think/research what it would take to achieve those goals for example: a tutor for the class you are having such diffuculty with...maybe the info hasn't been presented to you in a way you easily grasp yet. Maintain those goals. Writing it down helps me keep focus instead of letting it all become a smoothie in my brain. Remember that you don't have to settle for anything. You deserve to be happy the way you want to be happy. If you stay with him, see if there is a compromise you two can come up with. See if he has any constructive ideas (when he's calm) on how the situation may be improved. Involve him and dont push him away like many of us do when we are in ADD/Depression mode. If he has no constructive input or support, maybe he's not worth it. Arguing is ok, but insults and disrespect are unacceptable no matter what.
Im so sorry to hear about your losses. Dont be too hard on yourself about that class, youre under a lot of stress. You deserve to be happy. Good luck!
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