For Women with ADHD ADD Who Want to Connect

Resentment

Depending on who you talk to in an ADHD marriage/relationship, there's bound to be resentment on both sides: the partner with the ADHD and the partner without.

The partner *with* ADHD often feels like h/she is being treated like a child or is being misunderstood.

How do you handle your resentment within your relationships?

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Brenda Nicholson on January 9, 2009 at 3:25pm: My husband and I both have ADHD, so that particular issue has never been a problem. There are misunderstandings, however, because of our ADHD. We have learned to say very honestly what is bothering us in a neutral, conversational way. Most of the time, it's a simple misunderstanding and easily solved.

We've been together for over 31 years and married for 28, so something must be working.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Terry Matlen, ACSW on January 10, 2009 at 5:03pm: Hi Brenda,

31 years together! Good for you.
It's great that you two have learned how to communicate and work things out. Maybe you can share more of your tips here with others.

One of the things I've found it necessary to do is to remember some really simple things, like saying I'm sorry, instead of automatically becoming defensive.

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

Terry; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Christine Mousseau on January 13, 2009 at 1:32pm: I can relate to this very much. I have been married for ten years and there are time when my husband treats me like I am his child instead of his wife. We have a 7 year old daughter and there are times when she and I act like we are sisters instead of mother and daughter. My husband will tell me that I have no self-control and that I can be a bad example of the right behavior for my daughter. I don't really resent my husband for this, but I do get upset if he says something within my daughter hearing. Being 7 year old, she picks up on his comments about my childlike behavior and that can effect my parenting role with her. It is mostly in evening, like after 5pm that I have a hard time behaving like a grown-up. Sometimes when I am not acting like a child, my husband, confused about how my ADHD mind works will treat me like a child.

We met when he answered my personal ad in the paper 10 years ago. He does love me very much and I love him, but, he once said to me half joking and have serious, if he know how exhausting it was to married to me, he might have thought twice about it. Being married to someone with ADHD is alot like riding a roller coaster.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Renee on January 13, 2009 at 8:19pm: I can also relate to this. I have been married almost 19 years and we were together 5 before that. We have a 12 year old daughter. There are times when my husband treats me like I am a child, and I have been resenting him for this.

My husband is OCD, which doesn't always work well. Since I started perimenopause, I feel things have become worse. Lately we have been fighting more, and I do jump on the defensive easily. I tend to "do silly things" and it is hard to explain to him how my mind works.

How do I not jump on the defensive and talk openly?; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by TL Scott on February 8, 2009 at 11:55pm: Renee said:
My husband is OCD, which doesn't always work well. Since I started perimenopause, I feel things have become worse. Lately we have been fighting more, and I do jump on the defensive easily. I tend to "do silly things" and it is hard to explain to him how my mind works.

How do I not jump on the defensive and talk openly?

The hormonal roller-coater of perimenopause doesn't help memory or mood.

I am unsure of what you mean by "silly things" or the need to explain them but it seems like after 19 years - 24 in all he would be used to your personality
However I agree that becoming defensive can hinder communication and make it harder for his to be honest with you

I tend to become defensive some times myself but I have gotten a lot better becuase I learned two concepts

#1 How a person feels even if the feelings are about me are a reflection of who they are not of how I am - my response displays who I am

We all perceive the world and others in our world according to who we are inside. Our husbands do the same.

#2 The feeling he shares weather or positive negative or neutral are information . . . it helps me to realize this.

Combined with the first concept causes a perception change that allow me to see my husbands feeling are not all about me - even when he is talking about a behavior of mine -

How he feels about is still about him all he is doing by telling me "you stay on the computer to long" is sharing information about him self = how he feels

For me this perception opens the door of dialog instead of the door of defense.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Kristal Acevedo Vega on May 5, 2009 at 9:05pm: I have noticed that people like us with add/adhd we are mostly to act with mentally less years than our real age. Like for example, sometimes i feel that i am still like 16-18 yrs old for the way i feel about things and the way i react to things, but then i remember that i am 21, then i dont know if im right to think or act that way or wrong, and how should a "normal" person of 21 should react... its so overwhelming!!! i already got confused with myself ughhh; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jo Ellen on May 5, 2009 at 10:52pm: My husband (who I think is ADHD, but undiagnosed) will never grow-up. I often refer to him as being terminally adolescent.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jo Ellen on May 6, 2009 at 11:45am: EBrad: Yes, I have that men are little boys in big bodies and with bigger toys. However, I wasn't referring to his free-spiritedness and fun loving side. Although, he does have that, too. The grandchildren love him. I guess I was thinking above what Kristal Vaga was talking about. Emotionally being grow-up is to know when to act appropriately in certain situation and when it's okay to let your inner child out to play. For example: We were at a relative's funeral. My husband is a loud talker; someone is always reminding him to turn the volume down. For some reason, my husband started talking during the service. His brother asked him to be quiet, and my husband blurs out, F*** you! Mind you, my husband is in his forties. Some people when they are growing up (depending the type of household they grew up in) become self-conscience about whether or not they are acting appropriately in every given situation. They become so up tight and worried, they lose the ability to have fun anymore. I know I have been accused of that. Others, like my husband, allow their mood at the moment drive them. There can be an upside as well as a downside.

Jo Ellen; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jo Ellen on May 6, 2009 at 12:26pm: That should have read: Yes, I have heard that men....

I swear no matter how many times I re-read something, I always miss a word or two. Which means it can totally change the meaning of something. I have done this all my life. It was one thing in high school. I don't know how I ever made it through college. The advent of the spell checker has been a God sent. I may not be able to spell a word, but I can usually tell what the word is if I am offered up a list. Now if someone could come up with a program to point out 'missed words'.

Jo Ellen

Jo Ellen said:
EBrad: Yes, I have that men are little boys in big bodies and with bigger toys.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Mary on May 6, 2009 at 9:18pm: When I first found out that I had ADD,I was already 44, married 11 years, with kids.Immediately I heard "well,don't use it as a crutch" and "oh,everybody's like that" to "Didn't you take your medicine today?" I'd learned so much that I was gradually able to sort through what was me and what was the ADD.Instead of feeling stupid or like a child,I felt informed and able to explain what it is like for me.I was surprised that even after people heard that I had a neurological disorder (I never even knew about ) they still mocked me,got angry or acted as if it wasn't even real.At first,I felt furious- like I was treading water and everyone was standing on the shore,criticizing my "swimming" abilities.After two years,I refuse to be treated as a child or be blamed for something that I never asked for.(I ask people sometimes if they realize that I am also "tolerating " them and their personalities).Educating others and learning to work with my brain (rather than struggle against it )has helped me to separate myself from all the stigma and ignorance surrounding ADD.Everyone has their own challenges.I know that I am intelligent,creative and caring. I can set goals and have dreams-I just have to get there a different way.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Karen L on May 6, 2009 at 11:00pm: Mary - Sounds like you have worked through a lot of what I still struggle with. I was diagnosed as a kid with "hyperactivity" after three years Dexedrine was discontinued and for the next 35 years, I struggled. Last August, I was re-diagnosed and just a month ago, i started taking generic adderall. I have told one sister and my children but I don't talk about my ADHD much to anyone except on these boards. Most people in society, for some reason, aren't very accepting. People are narrow-minded and ignorant. I guess they can't help it. But I find hope in your comments that I will feel better about this ADHD as I try vainly to accept it in myself.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Cynthia Mortensen on May 7, 2009 at 9:32am: Christine Mousseau said:
I can relate to this very much. I have been married for ten years and there are time when my husband treats me like I am his child instead of his wife. We have a 7 year old daughter and there are times when she and I act like we are sisters instead of mother and daughter. My husband will tell me that I have no self-control and that I can be a bad example of the right behavior for my daughter. I don't really resent my husband for this, but I do get upset if he says something within my daughter hearing. Being 7 year old, she picks up on his comments about my childlike behavior and that can effect my parenting role with her. It is mostly in evening, like after 5pm that I have a hard time behaving like a grown-up. Sometimes when I am not acting like a child, my husband, confused about how my ADHD mind works will treat me like a child.

We met when he answered my personal ad in the paper 10 years ago. He does love me very much and I love him, but, he once said to me half joking and have serious, if he know how exhausting it was to married to me, he might have thought twice about it. Being married to someone with ADHD is alot like riding a roller coaster.; ▶ Reply to This