For Women with ADHD ADD Who Want to Connect
Self-Esteem and ADHD
Okay, so I had this situation at work today. Yet another mistake was pointed out to me. Apparently, when I'm making out the daily deposit, the change isn't correct so when my supervisor goes to the bank on friday she's been off. it's not a lot of change but apparently, i'm not being careful (which I could swear I am). she asked me to just check that when i put it in the drawer. rather than jumping to blame someone else (which I sometimes do because admitting I screwed up is sometimes just too hard, ya know?), i just said that it was odd and i would double check it. here's where the issue lies. if i don't accept the responsibility of making a mistake and blame someone else, am i simply in denial of my shortcomings? if i do accept the responsibility, my self-esteem will be clobbered and i'll feel horrible about myself. my mother has always said that i have a hard time accepting the fact that i screw up. am i supposed to accept and admit it every single time? it would just be nice once in a while to not be the one at fault when a mistake is made. it seems like i'm always making excuses. but how am i supposed to feel good about myself when all i ever seem to do is make mistakes? and i know that if i didn't have ADHD, i wouldn't make nearly as many mistakes as i do. i know we all make mistakes but it seems like i make them all the time and it just eats away at my self-esteem which is always fragile. i struggle to be perfect to make up for all the mistakes and imperfections. i know, a futile effort. i don't know how i'm supposed to increase my self-esteem when i make mistakes. my therapist queried on how i will "innoculate" myself during the bad times with thoughts of the good times. it's like, i know i am good at a few things but the things i mess up on far outweigh those good things and as a result my self-esteem is often very poor. I know that my ADHD contributes to many mistakes and fighting against all that seems like a never-ending battle that i'm doomed and destined to fail at. how am i supposed to feel good about myself? Any suggestions?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Pat Murray on -
Hey Karen, if i knew the answer to that one, I wouldn't feel so inadequate myself most of the time. I hear you and I feel your pain...and that isn't a joke. ADD has to be one of the most destructive things to self-esteem there is. No, you're not in denial of your shortcomings. You're just sick and tired of having to acknowledge them all the time, that's all. And who wouldn't be with as many screwups as we make. However, when it comes to your job, it just reflects badly if you try to push off any of your mistakes onto someone else. Bosses hate that. But on the other hand, I'm sure you don't want her thinking of you as some kind of lame-brain either, right? (Even tho, it IS our lame brain that causes this!) So no, I don't have any suggestions or I would've employed them myself by now.
Like they keep telling us, emphasize the positive...whatever. All I can offer you is empathy and understanding, which I know doesn't really help.
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Permalink Reply by Karen L on -
Pat - Your empathy and understanding DOES help because at least I know I'm not just making stuff up, that this is real and that I'm not alone in my struggles. You hit it on the head - I'm sick of tired of having to acknowledge my screw-ups all the time! Each time I acknowledge that I've made yet another mistake, it's just another jab to the self-esteem. No wonder why we have so many problems with it. Thanks for acknowledging that I'm not crazy, stupid or excuse seeking. I can now tell my therapist "No, I don't think I make excuses for things but there's reasons for them."
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Permalink Reply by Sandy on -
I'm fortunate that I'm the only one at my job that even KNOWS what I do, so no one sees my screw ups. I'm also in a position to tell people that I have ADHD so when I do screw up I can say, "Well that's an area I have trouble in and I'll fix it but it's gonna happen again most likely so don't freak out." Of course, I'm not handling money either. Well, not literally. Can you analyze where you have problems and try to figure out ways to minimize your chances of making mistakes? Are there things like coin trays that you can use which will help you visually double check your counting? Can you ask your supervisor or someone else to do a quick double check on the coins before taking it to the bank? Is your supervisor understanding and supportive? Can you go to her and say something along the lines of "I really don't like that I've put you in this position, I'm really good and A,B, C and D but E, gives me trouble sometimes. Can we try to come up with a way to help me with E so I can focus on A, B, C and D?" (Bosses tend to appreciate when you look for solutions.) Take a five minute breather, walk around your place of work really quick, then come back and double check? I find that when I start making mistakes, if I take a quick break, clear my head, then double check I'm a lot sharper.
As for the things you're good at, what are they? Work related? Hobby or free time? Is there some way you can make sure you do this daily or at least regularly so that you can have a reminder that you aren't a "total screw up" and that there are some things you're good at?
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Permalink Reply by Karen L on
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Sandy - Thanks for your comments. Totally gives me something to think about. Can't answer all those questions right now but I can think about the answers. :)
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Permalink Reply by Pat Murray on
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It's just a vicious cycle for me. I can't get organized or put my life in order, so I get depressed...then the depression leads to more screwups...and those screwups make me even more depressed. Hello? Is there a way out of this maze? If there is, I haven't found it yet, so take heart because you are SO not alone!
Karen L said:Pat - Your empathy and understanding DOES help because at least I know I'm not just making stuff up, that this is real and that I'm not alone in my struggles. You hit it on the head - I'm sick of tired of having to acknowledge my screw-ups all the time! Each time I acknowledge that I've made yet another mistake, it's just another jab to the self-esteem. No wonder why we have so many problems with it. Thanks for acknowledging that I'm not crazy, stupid or excuse seeking. I can now tell my therapist "No, I don't think I make excuses for things but there's reasons for them."
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Permalink Reply by jean on -
Is there anyone else that could be to blame? Maybe it's not your mistake even. I don't blame you for not wanting to take the blame if there's someone else that could have made the mistake.
At work sometimes money is missing and the boss is one to freak out! there is usually a few of us on the register, and he asks all of us individually about any mistakes. I know I am very careful with the money BECAUSE math, and money are hard for me. so I am very careful. I'm not going to say I never make a mistake, but if I did make one I'd say it because I'm not going to lie about............then he won't trust me.
I can relate to you not wanting to confess if it isn't your mistake, and if you do make alot of mistakes, I could see how that hits your self esteem. Im there right now with lots of things. It depends on who you're around.
some people , well it's a better aproach to sort of laugh it off keep the humorous side and let them know it's your adhd taking over again, then there's others that you have to keep very serious as you explain that maybe you did make a mistake, but you're going to be more careful as always-these are the people that you have to kind of act smarter and more together than you really are-because they find no humor in adhd. they're the tough ones. they're the ones that really hit my self esteem and have me second guessing me all the time. these are the ones that I hide the add from, because once they know about.......I'd probably get blamed for everything and be seen as a flake.
I think you seem really put togehter. I wouldn't think you're a big mistake maker. adhd really does a job on our self esteem. Its been a long week and I kind of lost thought where I was going with this answer, but yes having to admit to mistakes all the time does wear on your self esteem, even for non adhers
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Permalink Reply by Karen L on
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Jean - Thanks for your comments. You always make me smile. Thank you for that. Just having you acknowledge me means so much. You are so sweet!
Ya know, I was thinking today that perhaps someone did take that change. It was only 15 cents too. But it's never happened before and I don't understand what could have happened. But I'm not going to use precious time thinking about it all.
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Permalink Reply by jean on
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well 15 cents. Not that thats nothing. but for that amount, the bank could have sent rolls with a dime short and a roll with a nickle short. I wondered about that for awhile now. I wondered who wraps the money at the bank, are they sure it has that amount in it???
now when you're talking about 50 short and 20 short then its different, but as for change missing, I would wonder if the wrappers had the exact change at all. One time I caught myself take 2 10's and say 20 to myself, and make the change for the customer. when I opened the register in a minute for the next customer, the 2 10's were in the 20's slot. I freaked for a second. I had that horrible sick feeling in my stomach like what is going on, 10's in both slots. then I realized that the 2 10's make 20 so I must have just put them in that slot when I was telling myself20 dollars. that is a great way to short change the register or something. I handled sooo much money today. I was worrying all day about a mistake. it was never ending.
I have made sure I dont do that anymore, not that I wasn't being careful but I didnt even think about it, now that I know I did it once, I make sure to be on guard to never do it again. I have opened the register since that and found that someone else did it.................I know I didn't because I wasnt on the register.
that would be one mistake I would not take the blame for, I would have to say someone else must have done it, because Im so certain to not do it again. but like you said bossess dont like to have you shift the blame on someone else.
Im for not shifting the blame.................but yes, if you take the blame just to look like a responsible worker( not try to pawn your mistakes off on someone else ) well I understand where you're comming from, it might kind of look like you're the airhead.........and why should you have to if you didn't do it.
I'm not sure how you can be any more careful than careful. Are you the only one in the money? If not maybe the boss can count it at a different time before you're in it to prove it was short before you touched the money.........not sure how your job runs.
Oh and acknowleging you is easy! you're so helpful in so many ways- how can I not :)
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Permalink Reply by paisley on -
Ugh! I have made millions of little mistakes like this, and the worst part is that people look at you like if you made that kind of mistake, you must be completely stupid and everything else you do must be suspect. I hate that--like you lose all credibility in their eyes. It makes me so frustrated I just want to cry.
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