For Women with ADHD ADD Who Want to Connect

Sex & ADD: Can't focus, can't get in the mood

I'm currently about 8 months into my first real long-term relationship. We live together and absolutely every single aspect of our life together is great, except that lately I've found it difficult to focus during sex. My mind wanders, I can't get into the mood, and my hypersensitivity to touch sends me into a fit of giggles anytime my partner tries to kiss or massage me just about anywhere apart from my face.

I still love him and find him attractive, but I just can't seem to get into it. The few times we've managed to have sex over the past few weeks have been awkward and less than satisfactory. Either I can't seem to get wet enough so it's painful or my mind just wanders and orgasm is completely out of the question. I often find that I have to put extra attention into concentrating or use other fantasies, but if he changes rhythm or I hear something outside, it's like I have to start from scratch all over again. I think in the beginning, the newness of the relationship was enough to keep me excited, but now the routine has just made room for all the other thoughts and distractions to take hold once again.

Do any of you experience this too? What tricks do you use to focus? Anything I can eat or take beforehand that could help? And the ticklish thing isn't just me, right?

My partner is starting to get frustrated, but I think he's also a bit too timid or polite to discuss it. He just leaves me alone and goes to sleep or gets up to run errands. I'm not sure how to communicate that it's the way my braind is wired, and that it's not just an excuse. I end up feeling frustrated and angry at myself because I feel like I'm screwing this up. Any advice you ladies could share would be much appreciated.

Tags: distractions, focus, libido, relationships, sex

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Permalink Reply by BlackJayde on January 31, 2009 at 11:43pm: what about fore play. Is there much of that. That seems to help me as soon as I get turned on enough I am not as hypertensive to touch as I would be normally. there are certain parts of my body that if are touched are painful unless I am aroused. So he just avoids them till I am there. What about music. I know I get distracted when I hear noises outside but we're in a very quiet area so its not something I have to deal with a whole lot. So maybe music drowning out the outside noise will work. Hehe I mean I am like a freaking dog the hear someting. I look up and look around like oooh where did that come from. Its sad but freaking funny at the same time.

You might just have to sit him down and explain it all to him. It might be uncomfortable to discuss it but it might help. Guiding him too. showing him how to touch you so its not ticklish. And learning to enjoy sex with out having an orgasm might help as well. I've kind of come to a point in my life now where I know its not gonna happen every time. if it happens great if it doesn't I don't beat myself up about it. I just enjoy trying to get there. I know its ubber fustrating. My husband was my first and it took years for us to really get it figured out where it was good for both of us. So its totally normal and I think even normal women go throu it too.

Being open about it is a great way to help get over some of the frustrations. And its totally normal for sex to wane a bit. its part of being in a relationship. one month you might not be able to keep your hands off of each other, the next there might be so much going on that neither one of you can even think about sex let alone manage to actually do it. Other times one of you might be so ready to have it and the other might be less then excited by the idea. But most importantly I really fell that if you don't feel into it then don't do it. One it sets you up for feeling obligated, or even worse feel bad about your partner. Two it makes them feel like crap if and when they figure it out your doing it just for them.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Mary Anne on February 5, 2009 at 3:40pm: Making mental lists I won't remember, wondering if I cut the stove off, ran the dishwasher, turned on the dryer, if the kids have clean clothes for school the next day. . . that stuff always crawls into bed with me every night sex or not. However, during sex, whenever my mind starts to wander, I make myself STOP and go back to concentrating on how things feel. When concentrating on how it feels for me is not working, I concentrate on what I'm doing to make it feel good for my husband. By that point, I've written off orgasm, but the efforts in making it pleasurable for my husband gives me an emotional orgasm that's equal to sexual orgasm. Concentrating on his pleasure is a lot easier than concentrating on my own. Most of the time that's enough to get me into it, and into it enough for me achieve orgasm too. Also bet that's where your head was in the beginning.

Turn on some music or set up an aquarium in your room. You need something loud enough to block out auditory interruptions. If lubrication is a problem, get a lubricant! I don't think the changing rhythms is an ADD thing. When you're being stimulated and the stimulation relocates, it's physical. Also, drink some coffee after dinner/before bed! Learn your limits. 2-3 mugs won't keep me from sleeping, and the caffeine is a stimulant.

Like BlackJayde said, sex without orgasm can be pleasurable, and if you are able to achieve orgasm at all.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Theannalicious on March 5, 2009 at 12:12pm: ok, I'm 29. I read this book called "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and tried to put into practice the art of living in NOW in all of my daily doings (this was before I knew I had ADHD.) Subsequently, that was the first time I ever had and orgasm from actual sex. Aaaand it's never been duplicated. It's a pisser, really. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years and we still have sex about twice a day. He's very direct in bed so that helps, I really can just sit back and watch LOL, we use lots of lube or saliva because I don't think I've ever been "wet enough." I really enjoy the type of sex we have: there are no expectations. We even watch TV and have sex (that's the best!) Even though it's not porn star sex or rough or wild or whatever, we are still very much enjoying each others bodies touching and the closeness. We always snuggle afterward and give each other undivided snuggle attention. And even though it's really hard for me to be Present during actual sex, I'm told I give the best blow jobs (I really hope I'm not embarrassing myself here!) he's ever had AND I'm the only women he's ever been able to orgasm while she's on top. So there's a balance I suppose.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by twistdsunshine on March 11, 2009 at 7:48pm: While I'm currently sexless, single in Seattle lol. I can relate. I haven't had problems so much enjoying sex when I'm in a relationship but I have trouble concentrating. Ironically I told my doctor about this when I told her I thought I had adhd and she asked me or examples. I told her when I have sex my mind wonders and is over active. I think what can I make the kids for dinner..?? Then I think EWWW I just thought of my kids during sex, and then I think Did I let the dog back in the house? or something crazy ha. You guys just confirm even more to me that I DO have adhd ha. This made me giggle :o) I wish you success though please let me know when you figure out what the trick is :o); ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Leslie Smith on March 29, 2009 at 5:16pm: So, yeah...I've noticed over the last few years that my mind would definitely wander to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING under the sun while trying to appear engaged in the moment. That was tough. Not just that, but the moment that sex was over, I was up and out of that bed, getting dressed and out of the room. There was a two-fold reason for that...first was that I certainly couldn't lie there and be still in the moment...who does STILL??? no, not me...
second was the fact that I was so displeased with myself and my appearance. I also have an issue in the food department, and was up to 20 lbs past my 9 months pregnant weight. I hated how I looked. However, since I started on my meds in early February, things have changed. I love being in the moment. I feel myself engaged in my sweet husband and love not just the sex part, but just the time in his arms. I've really missed out on that. I didn't anticipate my sex life improving, but hey!! Why not? So, is it the medicine? Or is it the fact that I've lost 20 lbs, and feel better about myself? Or is it both? I don't know...I just know that life is definitely on a much better level now.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Tara McGillicuddy on March 30, 2009 at 12:17am: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/distracted-during-sex-0; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by ADD Family on March 30, 2009 at 1:37am: Sensitivity to touch can be helped by an Occupational Therapist.

My mind wanders, too. I just try to appear interested while I try to refocus. The more tired I am, the harder it is to focus. Fantasies, and even porn, are o.k. if they help.

My ex has ADD also. That was real fun when both of our minds were wandering-NOT! There were a few times when we both got so distracted we gave up. I am of the opinion that good sex is vital to keeping a relationship alive. It was when my ex decided he didn't want sex any more that our marriage fell apart. So it's important that you address this if you want to keep the relationship.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Sarah on April 15, 2009 at 2:32pm: I should not say this, but I chuckle as I read your problem with sex, as I faced the very same thing-and I have been married for almost 10 years!

I just recently came to the realization that I have ADD and have been on meds for about 5 months. I too thought to myself, I love sex, I want sex, and what the hell is wrong with me. I too would be mid thrust and thinking about everything but the man I loved who was trying to be intimate. The whole time I'm thinking, hmm-what sounds good for dinner, or what plans do I have this weekend. It was killing my sex life and everything I thought about myself-especially sexually.

This is what worked for me and it's all just a mental thing. I thought about the sex-and made it all on my terms. I approach my husband and say, let's get it on-so when I'm thinking of sex-I just do it. When you have ADD/ADHD and try to have sex when it's not even on your mind-FORGET ABOUT IT!!!!

(I admittedly have had to watch a few minutes of adult entertainment at times-(when he has no idea I am)-to get sexual images in my head-I'm telling you-I had to try this because I was at the end of my ropes!!!)

It has worked out wonderfully because now he does not feel he is pressuring me into sex (even though I really wanted to, but was not even something I cared to do.)and now I'm the one initiating all of the playfullness that leads to romance between the sheets.

As far as your partner feeling frustrated (on several levels!!) goes-my husband could have written a book called: I'm Married To A Woman With ADD/ADHD & How To Get Over It!

Just reassure him it's not him and not his fault-because it's not. Even if he thinks you are just saying it-reassure him that you love him and are attracted to him and that you just want him to be there for you so you can get thru it all together.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Lisa Forman on April 22, 2009 at 4:18pm: amazing people relate. This is a big issue for me with myself image. I am 44 and haven't been able to relax or turn off my brain to even enjoy intimacy or relax during the day. So I've been sexless for a long time (im 44) and have never been in a relationship. I get really anxious and self consious and even have a hard time taking the time to build a relationship cause my head goes all over.

now I am trying to accept this part of me.

Lisa; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Renee Tibbs on February 6, 2010 at 9:19pm: I find, if its sound that distracts you, playing loud music helps. I am a music junkie, me and my partner don't always have the same taste, but the beauty of being a women involved with a man, is that guys don't seem to have concentration problems during sex, so I get to pick the music more often then not.

I just took a college coarse called "Human Sexuality" it was indeed most interesting, but we didn't look at this issue sadly :(; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by venusdiva429 on February 14, 2010 at 5:06pm: Another thing to try is reading erotica or dancing with your partner right beforehand. A nice buildup can really help, especially when things start seeing routine after the honeymoon phase. You can also try doing it in places you wouldn't normally think of having sex. Could be the table. Could be next to the train station. Hey, it's your call ;) The biggest thing to do, though, is to communicate your thoughts so that your partner doesn't think it's his fault.

Personally, I have the same problem. I can't keep my attention on what's going on unless the guy really, really has it going on and is good enough to keep me focused. I only orgasm from oral because I get too bored during the penetration phase. I'm also wrestling with molestation issues, so that also hurts things.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by silverwings002 on February 14, 2010 at 9:00pm: I have a real hard time with the touch part, I tell partners that I need firm touches cuz light gets on my nerves. I've learned how to be direct about this part. I also cannot concentrate much during. Sex was more a chore than anything. I would be excited until I got to touch, then it was like I had never been turned on at all, and he's into it more than ever. IF he could ever get me to truly and really relax [which took a LOT] then I would be into it pretty good, but it never happened. [couple times only, they werent interested in making the effort] I also found a little bit of kink helped, but I know that was just me. Sex is one thing I really dont miss, since it was only a drain, in more than one way...I don't need a man except a handyman; besides who wants an ADHD Single Mom with 4 special needs kids? I'm a big challenge all by my lonesome...; ▶ Reply to This