For Women with ADHD ADD Who Want to Connect

So does anyone out there have trouble making friends???

It could be a non-ADHD thing and I know its a common problem for kids, but had anyone noticed this problem as an adult? I have a ton of aquaintances but I have trouble getting past that stage with people. I'm not sure if its a ADHD by-product or a me thing. I'm friendly and outgoing and talkative (duh!) so I'm a bit stumped.

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Permalink Reply by Jessica on February 26, 2009 at 4:55pm: I wanted to ask the same question but was too embarrassed. Yes Yes Yes! Most of my real friends understand I'm the zany one but there are some people who just won't accept it. I'm hoping w/ meds I'll coverse more like a normal person!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by rakusribut on February 26, 2009 at 5:40pm: wow, this has been a major problem for me!
always had loads of 'friends', but they were mostly people who are attracted to my outgoing, impulsive, creative, caring, funny, original etc etc personality (the public adhd-persona i call it). when it comes to real friendship (whatever that might be) and things like mutual trust and understanding i am feeling completely incompetent. i have such low self-esteem and feel so completely different from everybody else that i feel i cannot show my 'real' self to anybody else. other people usually think i am managing quite well and always have an answer to every problem, but that's mainly because i am afraid to show any 'weakness' or insecurity.
so while i am connecting to other people easily, i have a lot of difficulty taking such connections a step further. anyone have any suggestions about how to do this :-)))

helga; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jessica on February 26, 2009 at 10:07pm: You hit it right on the money rakusribut. A lot of youg adults and teenagers think I'm "cool" because I'm "crazy fun"! But the real me doesn't have any close friends who KNOW the real me!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Mary on February 26, 2009 at 11:26pm: Our stories are so similar that I can't believe how alone we have all felt,not knowing that we weren't really alone at all.Growing up,I tended to keep to myself after awhile,not knowing why I always felt as if I was "on the outside looking in".Sadly,as alone as I sometimes felt, it was easier to avoid certain social situations or to stop trying to explain my thoughts or feelings.I was tired of people giving me wierd looks or saying that I was crazy or spacey.I pretty much became invisible-enjoying people and events,but not really "being there" and contributing fully.As I grew older I tried to come out of my shell and be more outgoing.Every once iin a while,when I thought someone was laughing with me,I'd realize that they were laughing at me.I never understood why some felt that they could be so harsh and critical of me.My defense became "I'm still in the room". I had no idea how I appeared to them.Well years later,as I was beginning to make sense of it all, I felt even more vulnerable and self concious. I even avoided getting too close to a woman I'd met in church who I really liked because I felt that she wouldn't like the "real me". We ended up getting closer and laugh about that now-especially since she and her husband both have several ADD behavior traits. So Jessica, don't think that they're normal.Everyone struggles with something and has insecurities.I take Wellbutrin which does help me with the excessive talking and impulsiveness.(I feel as if I had twelve kids and someone came and picked up eight of them.)I still have to set up routines,rethink organization to fit how my brain works,deal with stress and a frequent sense of inadequacy, but I do feel less overwhelmed.I thought that people would be so much more understanding once they realized that I'd been struggling with a neurological disorder that I never knew I had.Well,many haven't.They think that everything I do or say is because of the ADD and that the medicine would turn me into Martha Stewart.If you keep calling yourself crazy and think other people are so "normal" you'll only perpetuate the existing stigma attatched to this and set yourself up for frustration and disappointment.Try to learn about how your brain works and learn to work with it.That is so less stressful and gradually gets easier.Trying to conform to the way others do things can be self defeating and ultimately futile. You aren't crazy or stupid or a bad person.You just have a brain that sometimes stalls or fails on you and you need to do all you can to learn how to navigate through it.Try to think differently about it and learn what works for you and what doesn't.Trying to do what comes easily or naturally for others won't really help you.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Raymonde on February 27, 2009 at 8:59am: How true it is,we have to keep away from people who can hurt us more than we are!!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Tina on February 27, 2009 at 6:21pm: I typed a reply and forgot to press ADD REPLY. Sigh. So I'll start again. I have shared my diagnosis with some people that are close to me. I think it explains some of my behaviours that they might find hurtful i.e. forgetting when they are leaving for their holiday, etc. They also forgive me for some of my forgetfulness because my ADHD allows me to hyperfocus sometimes so that I will remember little details about them. i.e. My friend tells me her favourite flowers are irises so for her birthday I get her a big bouquet of irises. Then she feels heard. You know how we women LOVE to be heard. Also - we ADHDers usually love to talk..... I have to train myself to listen, really listen at least as much as I talk. This can be challenging sometimes.

Tina; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jeanne on February 27, 2009 at 9:02pm: Sarah, you are talking about something I have experience my whole life. When I was in high school I was involved with lots of activities so I knew lots of kids but had less than a hand full that I hung around with. When I met my husband, he had lots of college friends that we hung around with so it was not as noticable to me as it is right now. We had our only daughter much later than quote our other friends had their kids and then we focused on her ADHD/Autism issues for the last 13 years. Well now she is older and we have workers that work with her and there is no one around to hang out with. We have a 8th grader while our 'friends' have college kids. We have had neighbors that we befriended that move away. My husband likes to stay home even for holidays so over the years even our families don't really invite us over anymore.. I can talk to anyone about ADD or Autism but I can't carry a conversation without that crutch. Part of it is missing nuances of the conversation and I think not making myself appoachable. I also think I am friendly and so want to help out to a fault so what makes a friend that people want to hang out with??; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jeanne on February 27, 2009 at 9:05pm: Jessica said:
You hit it right on the money rakusribut. A lot of youg adults and teenagers think I'm "cool" because I'm "crazy fun"! But the real me doesn't have any close friends who KNOW the real me!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jeanne on February 27, 2009 at 9:07pm: Jessica said:
You hit it right on the money rakusribut. A lot of youg adults and teenagers think I'm "cool" because I'm "crazy fun"! But the real me doesn't have any close friends who KNOW the real me!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jeanne on February 27, 2009 at 9:08pm: Jeanne said:
Jessica said:
Jessica,

I've been married 25 years and my husband really doesn't know m.. how sad

You hit it right on the money rakusribut. A lot of youg adults and teenagers think I'm "cool" because I'm "crazy fun"! But the real me doesn't have any close friends who KNOW the real me!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Sarah H on February 28, 2009 at 11:44am: OMG!!!! I am so relieved to have all of you respond!!! I tried to talk to my husband and he literally told me I wasn't trying hard enough! Before you all think he's a dink, he really is the greatest. I just don't think he can remotely relate to this so his sensitivity about it is, well, in a word, stupid. But I digress, go figure. (roll eyes here) Anyway, I have been thinking that its my background, my culture, my ethnicity. I moved from Colorado to Minnesota to marry my husband and his friends have been his friends since, literally, kindergarten. I have been joining classes, clubs and gyms to try to get to know people. And I do get to meet a ton of people but the step beyond "aquaintance" seems like a HUGE chasm that my short little legs just can't leap! What is that? What is that next step? Maybe Rakusribit has hit it on the head. Maybe what's missing is Trust. Giving a complete stranger trust and access to our ADHD world is scary. But how to take the step to get over that? How do you know which person to do that with and what is the acceptable jesture? How many times do you try before you appear weird? Or desperate? Or pathetic? How do you try to relate to them when you know they are going to, most likely, have just as hard a time relating to you?; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Emilyb on February 28, 2009 at 9:01pm: Wow, what a relief to hear other women express this! I have felt that it was just me for such a long time. I have a hard time getting close to people as well.; ▶ Reply to This