For Women with ADHD ADD Who Want to Connect

So does anyone out there have trouble making friends???

It could be a non-ADHD thing and I know its a common problem for kids, but had anyone noticed this problem as an adult? I have a ton of aquaintances but I have trouble getting past that stage with people. I'm not sure if its a ADHD by-product or a me thing. I'm friendly and outgoing and talkative (duh!) so I'm a bit stumped.

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Permalink Reply by Esther on January 21, 2010 at 5:20pm: wow....i thought it was just me!! the only friend i remember having as a kid is when iwas in 3rd grade....right b4 we started being home schooled. there was this girl in the class with a real long name and she was skinny and kids made fun of her a lot....so i wanted to be a friend to her and we were for that year....then we moved again *sigh* :(. She found me on face book last year....what a surprise!! but we now have 0 things in common and we have only talked like once since we added each other on FB. when we lived in china there was a couple girls around my age who came over a lot cause our moms were best friends....but i never was good at the whole "just hang out and have fun" thing with any one. i know partly its cause im such a loner but im glad to know im not the only one who has/had trouble making friends.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by janaca joe on January 21, 2010 at 11:15pm: Jennifer W said:
I like your thinking, we all just need to make this a sorority club. We all understand each other and want to be friends.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by janaca joe on January 21, 2010 at 11:17pm: hmmm, trying to reply here but i'm getting the quote in html or whatever...or maybe it's not html - anyway, the comment about forming a sorority made me smile - ADD - well i suppose that makes us Alpha Delta Delta ? Sounds good to me

janaca joe said:
Jennifer W said:
I like your thinking, we all just need to make this a sorority club. We all understand each other and want to be friends.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by janaca joe on January 21, 2010 at 11:31pm: i like your list of the three things you are trying to do...........this whole line of conversation is both comforting and frightening -i have honestly spent the last few years trying to figure out what has happened to my life/all the inane things that have happened and then i realize that a lot of it has always been the same - i'm just more honest with myself. I too need to do the three things that ADDMomofTwo said in her post - 1. talk less - "not my job to keep the conversation moving along all the time or to make people laugh" - OMG - i have always felt like i had to fill the silence - when people kid me about how i talk and talk, i have thought "ok, i will be quiet and let's see who picks up the slack" - often no one does and there is awkward silence - i actually sat in a car once when i went to a very touchy, feely community awareness thing - -peace love woodstock and all that - i had felt so isolated with this group of incredibly-cosmic women and i just decided to mentally check out and let them fill the silence. they didn't - it was the most boring , strange car ride. and yet it was a good thing for me to surrender responsibility for being the entertainment - i like to talk - i like to laugh - but as i get older, sometimes i find myself just being drained by it all. ok, number 2 - talk about others more/be an active listener / with the "not turning the conversatino back to me" - again, omg - this is so hard for me - i get engaged when i talk to people and excited and passionate on things - and yeah, i do turn it back to me........but i'm hoping they'll pick up the same excitement and we toss the tennis ball back and forth - many people just don't "talk back" - they lightly hit the ball back and again, that thing that you have to fill the silence kicks in......and the last 3. reveal less - oh geez - we're all feeling very safe here and revealing a lot of things we haven't thought we could talk about - what i see as being candid, forthcoming, making funny stories out of life's twists and turns likely reveals way more than i should - and that's likely not a good idea - i figure because i make it funny, it's ok - now i'm not so sure - i'm feeling really pretty crappy about friendship in general. Many have mentioned being loners - i am a loner with an extroverted personality - but i like my time alone as well - i think that being alone is so much safer because it does seem that when i step out there, when i open up and trust, well, i've been slapped too many times and at this point in the game, i feel like i trust my little fur ball associate and not much else. even those who love me/who worry for me - well, they kind of add to a lot of the issues - anyway, sorry to ramble - meds wearing off - it's 11:30 at night and i really shouldn't write in small spaces where i can't read what i'm putting down :) - good night to all and thanks for your candor....gee, i'm such a little optimist and i sound like a freaking eyore just now...

ADDMomofTwo said:
Thank you for the recent posts. I think acceptance of who I am -- quirky or buffoon or whatever -- is a big part of overcoming my issues here. Making it less of an issue in general because it doesn't have to be an issue for me. I am trying to also do three things: 1) Talk less. It's okay if there is silence and it's not my job to keep the conversation moving along all the time or to make people laugh. 2) Talk about others more/ask questions/be an active listener. I am trying to show interest without prying and without turning the conversation back to me. 3) Reveal less. I have had a tendency to say too much about myself which I think makes people uncomfortable. In looking back at my childhood, I realize now that both my parents did the same thing -- and it was horribly embarrassing! I don't know why I ended up being the same way?! Now I can add the self-acceptance to this list. Thank you to everyone for being so transparent about this difficult topic.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by CathyP on February 4, 2010 at 12:22pm: Here's a situation I've been encountering, have any of you ever had this happen? I have loved to introduce my friends to each other, but the horrific thing that often happens is, especially if they're couples and I no longer am, they make special plans together that don't include me! Dinner at one couple's house for Valentine's, things I used to do with one of them that they started doing together. They clearly had to discuss whether or not to invite me, which was impossible for me to digest. It was all I could do to hold back my disappointment. Yet we are still all friends, since I didn't burn those bridges. I hope it doesn't happen again, however. Don't know how long I can hold back!

I think it's incredibly rude of your friends to get together with each other and exclude you. Valuing you as a friend and respecting your feelings should be far more important to them than whether they have "even numbers" for the outing or not, or whether they think they're doing "couple stuff". They only know each other through you, for goodness' sake! It's really poor and thoughtless behaviour on their part. You have every right to feel hurt.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Lianne103 on February 22, 2010 at 3:22pm: I'm totally like this, but never attributed it to ADHD, maybe it is... I just thought I was shy...; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by jen on February 22, 2010 at 6:44pm: That was one of the first things I remember reading about that made me SO sad. Because I have always thought it was ME, but it was the ADD. I have always been told from a very young age that I am shy... and maybe I acted shy, but I think it was a label I just grew into because of the ADD making it hard for me to think of things to say, or saying TOO much, or the wrong thing at the wrong time. So I mean after so many people look at you like you are an idiot, you kind of just shut up.

What I would like to know, is when you are THIS old how do you make friends? I would think it is kind of impossible because most people my age already have their friends.

Lianne103 said:
I'm totally like this, but never attributed it to ADHD, maybe it is... I just thought I was shy...; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Dawn E on February 22, 2010 at 8:04pm: I am glad I am not the only thanks for bring out for discussion, I have alot of "buddies both male and female" but I can count on one hand how many real true friends (3) and only two of them understand me fully (but one of them is a MD, so medical speaking she understands BUT she also a very very close friend and in that way she completely understand and then my other true friend is a retired RN BUT again as a great friend she understands, my third friend is my mom....
I am the youngest of 4 with the only one with ADD...so thanks for a great topic!!!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by terri on February 23, 2010 at 3:53pm: My 20 yr old daghter who is ADHD-inattentive and has dyslexia has rarely had girlfreinds. When she does she can't keep them. I think her issue is that she's insecure so she tries to cover up by being outspoken and comes across as self-righteous and rigid. It breaks my heart ever time I see other girls in groups or hanging out doing girl things together. She does now have a boyfriend but I'm so worried her ADD ways will be too much for him and he'll ditch her too.
I also have ADHD-inattentive and have not had a lot of freinds either. It doesn't bother me much now because I have a great husband and have been able to stay close to my 4 sisters who also have ADHD. But I cry my self to sleep constantly worring about my daughter and not knowing how to help her. I mean how do you say "you come across like a know-it-all-bitch" without crushing someone who already has low self-esteem? Anybody else in the same situation?; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Karen L on February 23, 2010 at 4:06pm: Terri - I can understand your concern for your daughter but there comes a time when we as mothers have to let our daughters learn the hard way. Trust me, I have a 22 year old daughter who acts like she's 17. You can't make people "like" your daughter. Does she seem upset about it? Unless she asks for specific advice, you're best to let her figure it out. I know you care and it's okay to care but you can't live your life for her. I'm still learning this. It's hard. You can be a good example for her by displaying traits you'd like her to see. You may not be able to "help" your daughter and you don't even need to use strong language. She may have to figure it out for herself. I know we want things to be easier for our children but let's face it - life is hard. And the only way we learned anything was by the hard way (at least that's the way it has been for me). I still coddle my daughter and placate her and spoil her and let her get away with irresponsibility but i'm working at making changes. It takes time. Good luck to you. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to fix her life. And do you really want to be crazy???; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by jean on February 24, 2010 at 4:13am: I Think it would be a great idea to meet other woman who understand what it is like to have adhd
anyone here from lehigh valley pa; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by snowchild on February 24, 2010 at 6:35am: dear Terri! i understand you can't sleep worrying about someone you love.
please don't take my reply too seriously, i don't have children yet, i'm more of a child myself.
but what about just saying it as it is: "in my opinion you come across like a self rightious bitch, and believe you me, that will not get you any friends." and give some guidance towards what kind of behaviour will work better. most likely she will not take your advice right away, it's her obligatation as a daughter not to :-D. but as a parent, isn't it your job to tell her when she messes up? even when she doesn't like what you are telling her.
human interaction is, for everybody, a lifelong -try it out and see how it works- mission, unfortunately hurtful from time to time. sometimes it's actually necessary to have learned to be a "bitch", too.
you can't save her from getting hurt, adhd or not, but you can provide a loving environment to come home to, when the world kicks her in the head.
she WILL grow up! to be a wonderful lady with a lot of insight. every problem will pass.
into an even nastier problem -kidding!! :-D
good luck and all my best!

terri said:
My 20 yr old daghter who is ADHD-inattentive and has dyslexia has rarely had girlfreinds. When she does she can't keep them. I think her issue is that she's insecure so she tries to cover up by being outspoken and comes across as self-righteous and rigid. It breaks my heart ever time I see other girls in groups or hanging out doing girl things together. She does now have a boyfriend but I'm so worried her ADD ways will be too much for him and he'll ditch her too.
I also have ADHD-inattentive and have not had a lot of freinds either. It doesn't bother me much now because I have a great husband and have been able to stay close to my 4 sisters who also have ADHD. But I cry my self to sleep constantly worring about my daughter and not knowing how to help her. I mean how do you say "you come across like a know-it-all-bitch" without crushing someone who already has low self-esteem? Anybody else in the same situation?; ▶ Reply to This