Stalled by ADHD anxiety ...

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Permalink Reply by Karen L on March 11, 2010 at 2:27pm

i am all too familiar with this kind of paralyzation. It happens when I conduct too many transactions and I don't want to look at my bank account. It happens when I have to tell someone something I don't want to. It happens whenever I have something overwhelming. Denial is a biggie for me too. It protects me from the fear of whatever it is that is pending. I think this behavior is common for those of us with ADHD because we're so afraid of failure and because we make so many mistakes.

I think the best thing to get over it is to just jump in and do it. I know, easier said than done. But many times, I feel better afterwards because I conquered that fear and often just the anticipation is usually worse than the action so what did i get all up in a stir about anyway in the first place? Being that I'm so good at impulsive, spontaneous actions, i try to use this to my advantage whenever I have some undesirable task to perform. I'll quit thinking about the task and just do it. I don't know if this makes any sense or even helps but I encourage you to do what you need to do! :)

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Permalink Reply by HopeDiesHard on March 11, 2010 at 2:57pm

Yes, Sarah, I hear you too well. I think part of the paralysis thing is that we so often do things not so well that with each new undertaking, the first thought often is, "I SO do not want to make a mistake... or be late... or this this and this..." I'm betting that most of us still looking for ways to cope (I am a complete newbie) experience this kind of paralysis (my term too). It's fear, plain and simple.

I like Karen L's reply very much. I struggle too with procrastination; not because I don't want to do something (like pay bills), but what if I already paid it? Will they keep the extra payment? (ridiculous, probably). More often it's "but I need time to sort out my unbalanced checking account; can I really pay it now?" On and on... (I'm paying bills for the first time, while divorcing, since marrying in 1980)...

Karen mentions something I mean to do but rarely do: just DO it. Because you're gonna do it anyway (sink or swim, right?) -- and doing it now saves so much pain down the road.

Like her, whenever I "just DO it", I feel such a sense of relief.

I know this isn't the same issue as your trouble completing projects (I relate to that). But maybe developing a mantra: I CAN DO THIS or some such might help? What's the worst thing that can happen if we set aside the paralyzing fear that we might fail? That we might fail. But hey -- we just might succeed!

If we can give up the fear, face it head on and smack it down (everything gets easier with practice), maybe we can prevail over the problems (such as your returned forms) faster... It's just a thought. I need to employ this technique too.

The only comparable thing for me is when I talk with my guy -- when I fear that he won't understand or will be critical, etc. Well, when I just jump in and express an idea/opinion, picturing him as a dear, nonjudgmental friend (which ideally IS the case, lol/sigh), THEN I feel comfortable, capable. Because I set aside my fear, the beautiful result is that I am more clear. And he responds to that.

Sometimes I pretend that I am my own best friend when I am especially down. I talk to myself as I know my own best friend would, and how I'd speak to mine when she is struggling. Believe it or not, this can help you put problems in perspective as well as serve to encourage you to believe in yourself, to realize your worth.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that fear destroys, always... Kicking fear to the curb probably increases focus and function. It's finding the way that works for YOU -- that's the thing. Me, I will employ the "Just Do It" strategy today. One day at a time, right? What's the worse that can happen -- that I fail? (I will ENSURE failure if I don't pay my overdue bills, stat! sigh)

Self-acceptance and being your own "hero" is the best coping skill ever, maybe. Look how hard you work and give, despite ALL. You are doing the best you can, where you are, right now. And you desire to improve. That makes you one fine person.

I'm sorry for not offering a better strategy for dealing with your very real and present concern. Maybe there's a forum here for coping with work-related demands and setbacks; hope so :]

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Permalink Reply by Cleo on March 11, 2010 at 8:46pm

Yes, I sure am familiar with that. I've procrastinated for years on things I needed to do anyway, but now with lots of extra stress and consequence. I'm a champion, I am.....not. But I have learned a few tricks that have helped reduce the delay. One thing that helps with the really important and scarey stuff is to come back to it at the top of each hour and stay sitting, even if not working, for 20 minutes. Gradually this breaks the ice and builds a bit of a connection. Then I switch to working for two hour blocks. This has worked for me many times now. It may not work for anyone else, but something will if you keep playing with ideas.

'Just do it' approaches work with some things too--especially the ones that have been on way too many to-do lists already. A friend says to herself-'just start it'. She may start it 10 times a day, but it keeps her trying and eventually she gets to the end.

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Permalink Reply by HopeDiesHard on March 11, 2010 at 10:29pm

Hey Cleo, both of your suggestions resonate. I'll give the sit-there-for-20-minutes approach a go tomorrow morning with bills and appointment making... The "just start it" plan works for me in relation to exercise: I don't feel like going out for a walk, despite my need to stick with a program -- but when I just commit to five minutes, I end up walking the full 30-45 min's. Wish I'd thought to translate this strategy to other areas. Thank you so much.

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Permalink Reply by Marie on March 12, 2010 at 1:07am

Something I realized quite a while back that helps me,,is realizing that the procrastination...paralyzing fears...all that 'angst' that seems to dominate my brain...IS the A.D.H.D. or A.D.D....or just how I'm wired:) Once I really grabbed onto that..it has helped. I definitely have had times,,especially lately,,,where I wish it were NOT that way..but it is. I'm 54..and it has been this way since I can remember lol...It's like the hamster in a cage...this cycle of 'thinking'...totally distracted thinking, that goes from making the bed to plowing the fields, in a matter of seconds...what's interesting to me,,some actually get motivated and 'dive' in...some get paralyzed, and just 'shut the door' and walk away from it. ...Cheers to all of us working to make it all manageable!

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Permalink Reply by HopeDiesHard on March 13, 2010 at 10:40pm

Marie, like you, it helps me now that I realize that my problem is NOT some lousy innate stupidity, but ADD; so I am already less self-loathing, learning how to accept myself as is -- and believing that I can get some victory. I borrowed about 10 books on ADD/ADHD from the library today. I love to research; let's see if I can collate my notes in some kind of order! Cheers to you, too! Thanks :]

Marie said:

Something I realized quite a while back that helps me,,is realizing that the procrastination...paralyzing fears...all that 'angst' that seems to dominate my brain...IS the A.D.H.D. or A.D.D....or just how I'm wired:) Once I really grabbed onto that..it has helped. I definitely have had times,,especially lately,,,where I wish it were NOT that way..but it is. I'm 54..and it has been this way since I can remember lol...It's like the hamster in a cage...this cycle of 'thinking'...totally distracted thinking, that goes from making the bed to plowing the fields, in a matter of seconds...what's interesting to me,,some actually get motivated and 'dive' in...some get paralyzed, and just 'shut the door' and walk away from it. ...Cheers to all of us working to make it all manageable!

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Permalink Reply by Angie on March 14, 2010 at 4:18am

Hi Sarah,

I sympathize with your dilemma! My best approach is to think about what it is you have to do the night or the morning before you actually do it. Think about what parts give you the most trouble and try to see past it in an abstract way- WHY are they asking the question they are, what relevance does it have? Then get some caffeine and just start small - sometimes this allows me to really dive into something that takes a while and is really detailed. If I mess up, I take some time away from it- a day or 3 and then try again with the same approach. This is how I'm managing school...I hope this helps!

Angie

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Permalink Reply by Jo Ellen on March 15, 2010 at 4:18pm

This is where I get tripped up. Taking the time to step back from the project, it may not be a day or 3 before I get back to the project. As a person who has fibromyalgia & ADD, I may have a couple of days where I can barely get out of bed because of the pain, etc. Then the next thing I know, something else comes up that needs my attention and around in a frustrating circle I go. When I finally get back to a project, I can't remember where I left off much less where to begin.

Jo Ellen

Angie said:

Hi Sarah,

I sympathize with your dilemma! My best approach is...If I mess up, I take some time away from it- a day or 3 and then try again with the same approach.

Angie

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Permalink Reply by Angie on March 15, 2010 at 5:58pm

Jo Ellen,

There is that...my approach works some of the time for me. The rest of the time, I rely on my calendar and panic mode to push through assignments that are due. It is truly frustrating to say the least. I am noticing that when this cycle happens to me, everything else I was trying to get done completely falls by the wayside- even other assignments. Let alone housework. The average amount of my day relies heavily on routine- which is hard to keep- but it is something. I have to switch it slightly to keep from losing interest. Your fibromyalgia is interesting in how it complicates things for you. I can only relate to this in terms of a pregnancy where I was on bed rest for 5 months- my entire life fell apart. I couldn't focus enough to function at all. My poor husband is still dealing with that frustration! A calendar and a single notebook is the best thing I can offer.

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Permalink Reply by Jo Ellen on March 15, 2010 at 8:01pm

Angie:

I hope I didn't come across as your method of organizing & time management isn't valid. I may have worded it wrong. Your method of sticking to a routine is workable and logical in all sense of the word. I know because when I am feeling well enough I try to tackle ?whatever? project using your method. Routine is and can be a life-saver. However, it doesn't work for me all the time.

When the fibro rears its ugly head, there is nothing else that takes precedence over trying to calm my over-active nervous system. It is frustrating to say the least. Yes, I would say 5 mos. of bed rest would equate. We, ADDer's, like routine until life throws you a curve ball.

I am sorry to heard you had a pregnancy with complications. I hope it all worked out for you, your husband and baby. I can understand how 'life' as you planned it fell apart. I hope your husband is getting lots of outside support for his frustration before it turns into something more primitive, such as anger. I only say this because my husband found he couldn't deal with illness. He allowed it turn into anger. So, anyone that has a supportive spouse, I envy. Men are used to fixing things. That is why they have all kinds of tools. Having the right tool when the job calls for it is important. But, illness in themselves or in those close to them, it is hard for them to stand by feeling helpless. Many men have never been introduced to the emotional tools required to deal with illness. So, I hope his Mom, your Mom, parents, siblings and friends are providing the support he needs. The better equipped he is, the most supportive he can be with you. You sound like you have a lot on your plate.

Jo Ellen

Angie said:

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Permalink Reply by Angie on March 16, 2010 at 12:38am

Jo Ellen,

Thank you for your response! You're very kind! My complications were nothing tragic- thankfully! My husband is generally pretty patient but he spent a long time dealing with constant 'piles' of papers I totally planned on getting to ended up sitting for over a year, he tackled all the boxes from my closed office, my haphazard approach to all the other piles of things I was going to handle, and the stress of new babies. I have a billion excuses for every single complaint he has but when I started leaving out medication (motrin, benedryl) within reach of our then toddlers, I knew it was time to get some help. My husband has gotten to the point of completely p.o.-ed and managed to calm down a bit from it, but he still gets pretty red hot at times. Since discovering ADHD, I find myself embarrassed to talk to him about what it means- but I'm getting over this out of necessity. The rest of my family doesn't know or doesn't think its a very big deal. I'm still on the fence as to if this is a good discovery or a bad one- does this mean I'm sentenced to a lifetime of waiting for the 'fog' to clear?? My routines are getting perfected, so is my temperament. I REALLY appreciate your response! You didn't upset me at all!!

Angie

Jo Ellen said:

Angie:

I hope I didn't come across as your method of organizing & time management isn't valid. I may have worded it wrong. Your method of sticking to a routine is workable and logical in all sense of the word. I know because when I am feeling well enough I try to tackle ?whatever? project using your method. Routine is and can be a life-saver. However, it doesn't work for me all the time.

When the fibro rears its ugly head, there is nothing else that takes precedence over trying to calm my over-active nervous system. It is frustrating to say the least. Yes, I would say 5 mos. of bed rest would equate. We, ADDer's, like routine until life throws you a curve ball.

I am sorry to heard you had a pregnancy with complications. I hope it all worked out for you, your husband and baby. I can understand how 'life' as you planned it fell apart. I hope your husband is getting lots of outside support for his frustration before it turns into something more primitive, such as anger. I only say this because my husband found he couldn't deal with illness. He allowed it turn into anger. So, anyone that has a supportive spouse, I envy. Men are used to fixing things. That is why they have all kinds of tools. Having the right tool when the job calls for it is important. But, illness in themselves or in those close to them, it is hard for them to stand by feeling helpless. Many men have never been introduced to the emotional tools required to deal with illness. So, I hope his Mom, your Mom, parents, siblings and friends are providing the support he needs. The better equipped he is, the most supportive he can be with you. You sound like you have a lot on your plate.

Jo Ellen

Angie said:

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