Women With ADHD ADD

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Success with a Non-ADD Partner

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Success with a Non-ADD Partner

Discovered the secret to having a successful loving relationship with a partner who is NOT ADD? Help women with ADD (and their non-ADD partners) find better ways to communicate, manage ADD challenges, cope, etc., by sharing what has worked for you!

Members: 92
Latest Activity: Jan 1, 2013

Discussion Forum

Spoke too soon, and kicking myself

Started by Dana. Last reply by Dana Jun 28, 2012. 1 Reply

Over share....I think?

Started by Dana. Last reply by Dana Jun 28, 2012. 1 Reply

My husband keeps trying to change me!!!

Started by Jennifer. Last reply by Jude Jun 24, 2012. 3 Replies

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Comment by Dana on February 1, 2012 at 10:20pm

This may be something that is real and could happen. I was skeptical if a non adhd partner could handle all the symptoms. Sometimes I can't even handle them and I have been adhd all my life.

I have a very supportive partner and won't say any more...so i don't jix it.... :) Good luck ladies, be positive....!

Comment by Stacy on September 30, 2011 at 10:49am

i have the same problem as u women,my husband thinks i can just fix my problems myself or atleast work on them.my husband has no patience whatsoever so we have major issues,it seems like divorce is brought up at least once a month.my husband has anxiety issues & it probly comes from his lack of patience & my adhd but i also think he might have add of adhd as well.i just put my faith in GOD in live happy

 

Comment by Denise on September 17, 2011 at 11:44am
Isn't it interesting so many ADD spouses end up with non-ADD spouses. I, too, have the same situation. And, I echo many of the situations I have read in all your previous posts. It has taken many years for my Husband and I to "learn" how to communicate together and for us to know how to support each other. Indeed, it took a divorce for 3 years, although we could never stop seeing each other. We knew we had a special relationship, but, somehow couldn't live together with the curretn situation. That was in 2007. Today, after 2 years of counseling, many emotional breakdowns and panic attacks on my part and his, we are enjoying our 2nd year remarried. Initially, we were married in August 1991, after dating since 1988. In 2007, after many years of different work shifts, much outside influence in our home life, we lost our priorities and divorced. It was his choice, not mine. I struggled with loss of my entire family in a matter of days. The toll was emotionally devastating, although I didn't realize it until I was in such a deep depression I almost gave up on 2 different occassions. My Husband, being the gentle soul he is, had his own secrets that finally came out after 30 years of running from his ghosts as well. In late 2008, we decided to commit to counseling with one goal in mind. To get healthy enough together to decide if we wanted to stay together or part with both of us healthy enough to start healthy relationships in the future with other people. It turns out, we were still very much in love after all the heartache, hard times and lost years of communcation so critical to our own well being, let alone our relationships well being. We continute to work very hard on our relationship, knowing full well my ADD is at the core of my poor self-image and the constant guilt I have lived with all my life. I am in counseling again starting this week, because I haven't the resiliency in my older years I once had in my youth. Especially where my job is concerned. My job still continues to give me issues with rebellion, emotional outbursts and a general overall exhausting ability to cope with making it through 40 hours a week. The changing environment and passing the baton to the younger generation isn't an easy task, especially when my mind and heart tell me I still have ambition and goals I would like to accomplish. But, the corporate world has other ideas on people who hit 50+ years of age. I am glad to have found this website, it has given me a stronger hope that I am really not so different than others. Indeed, the more research and searching I do, I am starting to believe ADD/ADHD has been around forever in the human species for eons. Historical biographries and books are ladened with stories of the average person being labeled "not right" or "not normal" in their behaviors or social skills. Maybe ADD isn't so invisible after all. Thank you all for providing me the opportunity to read your stories and sharing the fact that I am not alone anymore.
Comment by Dana on September 14, 2011 at 5:23pm
This is one of my big worries. How can a non adhd person handle being with me? My own mother denies that I have adhd, am hyper, or need med's. She thinks I can just snap my fingers and a quick fix will alter my forgetfulness, or my racing around like a wild woman. I don't know what to do for someone (a romantic partner) to see me, and not just my adhd?
Comment by Dana on September 11, 2011 at 11:27am
This is something I have never been good at with at all. As a child everyone appeared to adore me because I was so outgoing. As I grew I realized that I was unlike others and those differences caused people to fall out of my life. I assumed that I would fall in love and that was a certainty. My excuse was always I am young and I have time. Now as I age I feel that is not true and I am putting myself out there searching for a partner. Beginning a relationship of any kind is fairly easy for me, but how can I sustain it without my adhd getting in my way? It is a mix of not always understanding intimate relationship queues, and my impulsivity getting out of my control. Tips or thoughts would be appreciated. This problem does drive me made, so feel free to share anything...
Comment by Angela on March 14, 2011 at 5:01pm

Hi Louise, I know exactly how you feel!  My husband is also feeling like I do things on purpose - he's a data anylist and actually did the analysis on how unlikely it is that everything I miss or dont' do has to do with add.  You can imagine how frustrating that is!  He also is a "fixer" and takes pride in that.  He has helped me out a lot with his fixing, but this is where that comes to an end and it is hard for him to accept I think.  Since my last post my husband actually started reading that book "The ADHD Marriage Effect" and it seems to be helping him understand this condition.  I found this article on another website and I forwarded it to my husband, but he didn't appreciate it.  It is about the need to fix:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14696-overcoming-the-need-to-fix/

Comment by Louise on February 22, 2011 at 11:23am
Hi newbie here.  My question is how can you make your partner understand that you don't forget things, misplace things, and are totally disorganized on purpose?  My boyfriend is highly intelligent and an excellent problem solver and wants to constantly "fix" me.  He is slowly coming to the conclusion that he can't and I'm afraid that he will get tired of dealing with it and walk away.  He also occasionally treats me like a child he has to be patient with and quite frankly it's getting on my nerves.  What is the best way to handle this????? Help it's driving me bonkers!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comment by Angela on January 10, 2011 at 3:00pm

Hi, I recently found out that I have add.  My husband is supportive, he is quite on board with the idea.  The problem is that most of the time it feels like we're speaking different languages.  It is so frustrating!  In my mind we're communicating, but to him there is no discussion happening.  As it turns out all of my brothers have add, so I don't know if I really know what it is like to live with a non-add person.  Now, my husband and I have been married for 7 years, but I only recently found about about my add and so now it has come to my attention that he is actually the normal one and I'm not!  Even though he is on board with my add, I know he still doesn't undersnand my lack of motivation and the need to be stimulated into getting something done and that if

Ok, I dont' know where I was going with that last statement...

 

Anyway, there ya go! I started reading a book called the ADHD Effect, but it seems to be written by the nonADHD spouse on how to live with an ADD spouse - it doesnt' seem to be as helpful the other way around.

Comment by Marr on November 23, 2010 at 7:24pm
Weary, My husband believes he has OCD also, and I think he probably does to. He can tell if a pen in his draw is out of place, or if I have dusted because he can tell the picture frames are a tiny bit escue. You can definately tell where I spend my time in our house compared to where he does.
Comment by weary on August 19, 2010 at 10:03am
We found these books to be helpful for our relationship:
Sari Solden's "Women with ADD" and "Is it You, Me or Adult ADD" by Barkley. Actually, I'm hopeful that, coupled with counseling, a second more thorough read-thru these by my husband will help. He seems to be rather OCD and has married me - what a challenging combination! If we don't explode from frustration perhaps we'll grow into more balanced people. ?
 

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