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I was searching the net in desparation looking for some kind of help, advice, or at least a product to waste my money on that will help me. My llife is what it is.... I have a good (albeit temp) job, money problems are under control for the most part.
Still, I am just so achingly overwhelmed whenever I walk into my house. It's the cutest little place. My husband and I thought we'd be happy here. I was finally able to deal with the organization part of life and he did what I delegated. He has ADD too, but uses his LD's as an excuse to always make me do the thinking.
Fast forward 6 months after we moved in. I had everything so well organized for the move. The guys made fun of my way of separating and packing things using a million different boxes to categorize, to the point where they told everyone I'm a box hoarder, and even threw away some of the plastic bins that I paid good money for. They thought it was funny. They didn't realize that I had finally found the way that I could really really succeed, and was succeeding, in the fight against clutter. This was the first time ever and I realized that there is so much more to life when you don't live in a hellhole full of fruit flies. I had my perfected method, I was doing great and I had self confidence I never thought possible. By making it seem pathological and unacceptable, using humiliation among other things, they made me feel just stupid enough to stop and try to find another way to do it.
Everything has fallen apart. I don't expect Mike to clean up after me... but if he could help with the planning and we had equal voices I could do this. He won't help though, other than literally shoveling out a whole room at once every so often, then trashing it immediately. I have to find the mail and track bills, pay them, plan meals around his diabetes and picky appetite, do the laundry, ask HIM to please do me a favor and help me when I can't do it all alone (and only with specific tasks), and, to top it off, maintain everything clean and neat while he spills ashtrays and insists that his clothing is kept on the floor. His job is the litterbox. Which he sucks at. The cat has peed and pooped all over my stuff, ruining some things that cannot be replaced.
I can't take it anymore! I'm a psych nurse and I work 5 overnight shifts a week. When I come home I need to relax! But as soon as I walk in the thoughts race faster and faster and soon I have a panic attack. I'm so out of habit of being functional that I can't start again. There is not one tiny spot in this hell where I can relax. The thoughts are racing and they are all despairing.
He agreed over the phone to again "help me" clean up our lives, but I just don't have the strength. It will just get trashed.... I can't quit my job to pick up after him and he doesn't even wash his own work clothes.
I thought I'd made it. I was being the adultish person I needed to be before, getting all the organization done, hard yes, but enough to be able to chill out sometimes. I only ever had worked out that one way, with the boxes, and some help from Flylady, who he hates. I used all of my motivation and imagination creating the first system. I can't bring myself to use it again. It was like 7th grade when everyone started making fun of it.
This may seem trivial, but it's ruined any possibility of relaxation for me. I was hit and screamed at as a child for being a slob. I can't relax when the place is this bad.
I am just so overwhelmed and becoming less hopefull that my life will ever change. I don't want to live this way. But I don't see any other options.

Tags: clutter, failure, help, mess, organization, overwhelm

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Comment by Karen L on November 21, 2009 at 1:32pm: I sense your frustration. This may sound harsh but it sounds to me like your husband is taking full advantage of you and then some. You need be responsible for yourself and allow him to be responsible for himself. True, bills have to be paid but there's no rule saying you have to do his laundry or buy his food. He's a big boy - in spite of his ADD. He's using it as a crutch. If you keep your things neat and tidy, you CAN find comfort in that. He may not change but you don't have to let his procrastination stop you from changing. You can take his things, if they really bother you, and put them in a separate room and close the door. You are not his mother or his maid.

I apologize if I seem cold but I don't like to see women being taken advantage of or put down or cornered or manipulated or coerced. I've been there before and I know first hand how difficult it is. And if I can help one person, then my "toughness" will have been worth it. I do indeed care, perhaps too much.

Comment by Jen on November 21, 2009 at 11:02am: Galadriel,
I woke up this morning thinking about your struggle, as well as my own w/ organization.

These are 2 books that really helped me:

The A.D.D Audio Coach Workbook by Linda D. Hiller & Richard M. Carlson
- offers lots of good info on organizing time, home environment & personal finances
- personally, I really liked the home environment section. Learning the "Quick Clean Method" benefitted me tremendously
- I ordered this book online from LifeLifters, Inc - not sure of the actual website, but a google search should provide what you need
- this book is meant to start w/ using a planner, but if you're like me, I didn't follow through with that part (so don't beat yourself up if you don't follow the book in a linear manner). I'm sure it would work better that way, but I still reaped some benefits from skipping straight to the home section

It's All Too Much by Peter Walsh
- helped me to understand why I held on to so much unnecessary stuff and allowed me to downsize a lot
- I actually downloaded the audiobook from audible.com and listened while I organized

Hope this helps.

Jen

Comment by Dee on November 21, 2009 at 12:52am: Galadriel,
I am new to this site, but after reading just one post (yours) I already feel like I have made it home. I think that I am going to like it here. I understand the need for organization and the frustration when others stand in the way of the system that works for us. I remember that place where you are at. Realizing that I needed organziation in my world, and needed to be surrounded by it to even slow my brain down. I also had to realize, that the only system that was going to work for me was my own. I had to make a vow to myself to be totally submissive to none other than myself during the trial and error stage of creating my system. This also meant that I had to follow through and use my system, even in public and no matter what. I have noticed that when I stick to "my system" I not only experience peace of mind but self satisfaction as I have more of a tendency to complete (yes I said complete) my task.
There are some things in life that can only be handled one way and those things usually deal with things like morals, codes of ethic, and for myself what is right before God.
There are other things that can be done many different ways, using many different systems with no harm done. Organizing a move is one of them.
A household move is a major event in the life of any person. A move can be trying, exhausting and stressful. For us, it is disaster. To abandon my system in a task that enormous is to set myself up for total destruction. An event that was supposed to be a happy event will suddenly turn into an emotional nightmare causing stress and anxiety between myself and my loved ones because of the anger that lingers between us in the fact that I focus on how insensitive and uncaring another can be about my mental health and stability. I will focus for at least a good 6 to 8 months on the fact that I would have already had my house in order, had I just stuck to my guns and insisted that my plan remain the plan of action (for everybody's sake) but because I didn't, it has only gotten worse. I will complain for another few months about how I can't stand my environement and that my brain can no longer function. I will become angry all over again at the person that I allowed to pull me away from my system. I will spend another year becoming disabled to the world through any kind of social existance because of the required effort in just trying to find anything to go. The difference for me, of performing a task the way that I have to do it (my system) means that I am allowing myself peace of mind through the whole process, which was something that I had get used to. Once I experienced the difference, I found it easy to simply say "Well this is the way that I have to do this for me"

I know that this doesn't help right now especially since your sitting right in the middle of it. I agree with what Jen said, as I am finding it easier to live very simple which means "getting rid of it" If I haven't seen it in a year....it goes. If it doesn't fit....it goes.
I have finally discovered that special place where all of those "hard to part with items" can be laid to rest. All of the little dust collectors that haunt your sleep by not fitting on a shelf anywhere; those belongings from 3 aunts ago; memories from anniversary a few years back. It's called a storage box. I have made a special place for this box in my storage shed (not my home) and I can't visit my memories anytime I want.
Right now might be the prime time for you to start throwing away. To me, that would be the easiest way to start. I usually attach a big green garbage bag to my belt and start sifting through for throw away items only. If it doesn't go in the trash, it gets tossed back to the side WHERE IT WAS and not in the next room where I have to stop and prepare a give away box (we are masters of diversion). Trash bags are taken to the dumpster before the next leg of my mission is started. This give a sense of accomplishment. I feel like I am getting somewhere, something has happened, things are better mentally and emotionally. I can see a difference and I want to keep going. If I don't keep things in that order I will focus on the trash bag in the corner and the give away leg of this mission with not get my complete attention The next leg of the mission is "Give Away" I start the process all over again with my focus on give away. I although I make sure that my give away items are clean, I have convinced myself that my give away items do not have to be folded as if they were going back to my drawer. Once again, I start in one room, and work my way through the house. If it is not give away, it goes right back where it was NOT IN THE ROOM THAT IT IS EVENTUALLY GOIN TO BELONG IN. If I stop and take a keeper to it's assigned room, I will convince myself at that very moment that the whole closet will need to be cleaned out or shelf will cleaned off before I can add that one item to its place. Whether give away consist of clothing or nic-nac items, this leg of my mission is not complete until the items are place in my car or if larger items the pick up, and delivered to wherever they are going.
The next leg are the keepers. I usually line up my boxes, or laundry baskets etc. in a room that can accomodate them all together, and have one assigned for each room. I move from one room to the next after each room is complete. I take each assigned basket to its assigned room and then start organizing each room one at a time. Personally I like to start with my bedroom so I can at least retire in organized surroundings. I hope that you don't find this response offensive, but I know exactly where you are coming from. The words in your post are all I need for a visual of the situation. I have been where you are at, I have worn the shoes that you are standing in. The only thing unique about all of us are the names and the faces.
Also, remember that it is ok to stop and go to the bathroom, or take a break for a refreshment. Don't try to do everything all in one day. Once we get started and things get better we have a habit of not stopping.
And last but not least, just breathe

Be true to yourself, you deserve to "enjoy the difference"

Dee

Comment by Jen on November 20, 2009 at 8:25pm: Galadriel,
My heart aches for you. I know all too well the struggle with clutter and disorganization. And as horrible as this sounds, reading your post actually made me feel not so alone in my house of hell. My husband also has ADD, too, and there are times when I wonder what on God's green earth brought our two lost souls together. I could SO relate to everything you wrote, and I really wish I had a clue what to say to make you feel better. A few years ago I completely gave up trying to organize and just swore to myself that I would strive to live more simply. I started throwing away, donating and giving things to friends, and honestly, it really has made a difference. Unfortunately, my husband has not recognized that getting rid of junk would really benefit him, so we argue constantly - to the point where I dream of living alone. I think I deal w/my ADD much more than he does, which is another enormous source of frustration.
Are you on any medication right now? I'm working to get my doses right because in the past when I was on a better "cocktail" I definitely managed better.

I've gotta run, but I really wanted to respond. Hang in there, and know that it can get better. This is a great site for moral support. I really wish there was a group for couples who both have ADD. There are definitely unique challenges in these partnerships. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Some of the most amazing and creative people I know struggle with disorganization. I also know some very boring people who are super organized. My mom is a total perfectionist who berated me as a kid for being a slob (organization is not her strength either). I've spent years in therapy learning to accept myself, but it's hard when others constantly point out that I live in complete disorder. I'm working hard to accept that organization will always be something that I have to work at. Some days it's definitely easier than others. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Read as much as you can on this site, and I think you'll feel less alone in your struggle. I'd love to chat more, but I'm off to do mounds of laundry! :-)
~Jen